change...

“When people are ready to, they change. They never do it before then, and sometimes they die before they get around to it. You can't make them change if they don't want to, just like when they do want to, you can't stop them.” - Andy Warhol

i love that quote.  right now, i'm thinking about the changes i made (when i was ready) and how, now, i feel like, you can't stop me.

i made big changes by joining the gym and finding exercise that i like.  LOVE.  deep water jogging, spinning, even weight class.  i also changed my diet in big ways.

i lost 30 pounds in 6 months.  then things slowed down...

then, i found out i had a tumor in my uterus.  not cancer.  but major surgery scheduled.

so, the changes i made were suddenly met with life changes i hadn't anticipated.  i wouldn't be meeting my goal to get under 200 pounds by the end of the year.  not with surgery and a long recovery where i won't be able to hit the gym.

it was hard to wrap my mind around things.  i had a few weeks of eating some fast food, going to the gym less.

then i realized that i couldn't control life (and tumors and things) but i could change how i handled it.

i readjusted my goals.  i decided that before surgery i'd spend as much time at the gym as i could.  and i'd keep experimenting with new vegetables.  i also came up with a plan to clean the entire house before surgery, room by room, each weekend.

so now i know how to make celery root hash browns and my bathroom is sparkling.  i wish i were on track to lose more weight faster, but that's not in the cards.

but i am not gaining any weight.  and that's progress.  and after surgery, i'm going to try to follow a high protein/ low carb diet for a few weeks (my doctor said that will help the healing process.)

and tomorrow i'm going to the gym after work to try pickle ball.  a weird team sport that's sort of like table tennis with a wiffle ball on a tennis court.  weird!

Take #...lost count

I rejoined Weight Watchers this weekend.  I'm trying to go in with a very different mindset.  I haven't even started thinking about points yet.  I'm looking up recipes to try (going down the Pinterest rabbit hole, come join me http://pinterest.com/copax0122/) , thinking about kitchen things I need to buy.  When I start thinking about points, I'm going to just calculate what I eat right now.  I'm not going to try to pre-adjust my diet.  If I'm relatively near my recommended points, great.  If I'm twice my points, that's great too.  At least I'll have a better idea of what to work on.  I looked at the number from the scale, but I'm going to try and ignore it to some degree.  I'm also considering joining a gym, but for now I'm going to focus on making some diet changes, and using my exercise bike or the exercise equipment they have at work.  I'd like to someday work with a personal trainer and understand "how to exercise"  

new thoughts on an old problem...

Here's an article on a new term floating around, the "almost alcoholic".  

The almost alcoholic is someone whose drinking goes beyond social drinking, but isn't alcoholism.  The article and the book it references, talks about how there is a range, a spectrum of how people drink.

The old way of thinking was, if you're drinking too much, you're labeled an alcoholic, and you must go to AA.

That old way of thinking has had me in a panic.  Thinking, "I don't want to be labeled an alcoholic or go to meetings that are religious based, like AA."  

I know I'm drinking too much these days.  I have a few glasses of wine every evening after work, while I make dinner, before bed.  I don't get drunk.  It takes the edge off my anxiety, work stress, etc...

I've managed to keep drinking wine and lose 30 pounds since January.   I stopped eating fast food (something I am 100% addicted too.)  But cutting out my evening stress reducing wine hasn't happened.

I have been torn, guilt ridden, over the wine.  But that seemed to feed into the habit more.  

Recently I've been reading articles about a recent study that showed weight loss surgery patients had major struggles with alcohol around the 2nd year out of surgery.  That was me.  And the study showed that wine was the main drink of choice.  Something about the way the wine hits a post-surgical person's system faster then normal. it's compared to the high of smoking crack.

The interview prominent surgeons in the bariatric field and they all dismissed the study.  Which pisses me off.  If I had been told about the dangers of drinking after surgery, I never would have touched wine.  The only thing they told us was to avoid milkshakes!

So besides my own guilt, I've had to "forgive" the surgery that didn't work for me, and the medical professionals that didn't give me the full story.  And I think I have.

It took reading about the "almost alcoholic" to say, ok, that's me.  I'm drinking too much and it's having some negative impact on my life.  I'm not driving drunk or blacking out.  I'm just not losing as much weight as I could be.  I'm missing some time with my husband and the dogs.

And in 1 month I'm having major surgery.  So I'm ready to cut back on drinking.  No more drinking wine every night.  I want to be on the end of the spectrum that makes me a normal social drinker.

Last night I didn't drink wine.  I had an anxiety attack, and almost caved around 8pm.  But I didn't.  And the anxiety passed and I slept pretty well.  Progress.

Progress, forgiveness (for myself and my doctors), peace... 

I Really Don't Want to Go

I have a follow up appointment with my new awesome doctor at the Cleveland Clinic center or whatever they call it for Integrative Medicine. I LOVE her. But I really don't want to go. Like, I have almost cancelled 40 times since yesterday.

I haven't lost one single flippin' pound since I saw her in either April or May, I think April. My hair is falling out from the damn thyroid meds, and my knees did NOT like my trying to jog. And I haven't quit drinking.

My dreams, hopes, plans, were to be much thinner by this visit, and have my drinking so under control that I wouldn't even flinch when she asks me again how it's going. And, none of that is true. I get that I've made a lot of fantastic changes, but I feel like a complete failure.

BUT, this just can't be like every other time in the past when I've tried to lose weight, and when I hit a wall and felt this way, I just cancelled appointments and slowly (or quickly) went back to old, comfortable habits. I can't put Tom through that again, or my psyche, or my body.

So, Friday, I'll go get my blood drawn, and Monday morning, I'll go see Dr. Powell. Yes, "new doctor" has a name. Who knows? Maybe my meds aren't strong enough. Maybe there's some information or feedback she can give me that will help. I know putting my head back in the sand clearly will not work though. If nothing else, I will feel good that I followed through on going. And she was so great at my first visit. I really hope she is just as great now, when things aren't going well. 

Then Thursday... I finally get back to the knee doctor. I don't think he's going to be mad because I waited so long to go back. This is the same doctor I saw before, and the one who operated on Tom, and he's super nice. And he really just wants to help people have better knees. He gets so frustrated with insurance, because I know I'll have to do a month of PT before they'll approve an MRI. He really just wants to do the MRI's and get on with it.

Anyway, I've also been trying to help Tom understand that this may be something I will need surgery for. Possibly. I JUST want him to understand that this COULD happen. I seriously doubt I'll REALLY need monkey knees, but maybe some arthroscopic something or other. I asked him to not get rid of his crutches in case I need them sometime soon, and I think that made something click in his head, because last night, I was cleaning and asked him if he still wanted some ice packs he got after his surgery, and he said no, unless I wanted to keep them if I need them for knee stuff. It sounds small, but it was really big.

So that's my words for today! Wish me luck or whatever. When I'm in a situation I am finding hard to handle, I usually pretend I'm Lara Flynn Boyle as seen on the Practice. I'll be doing that a few times next week, I'm sure.

oh the vegetables i can eat...

kumulato tomatoes are my new fav 

beets are so beautiful inside! 

roasted beets are my current obsession 

i bought all this fresh fruit & produce, and actually used almost all of it! 

my "this is not a diet" inspired, thrown together salad.  roasted corn, black beans, avocado, tomatoes, orange pepper, cilantro, a dash of extra virgin olive oil, sea salt, champagne vinegar & cilantro.  SO GOOD!

small stuff...

this is a miracle recipe.  you put some steel cut oats into a jar, add some vanilla soy milk, and then raisins, banana, whatever, and it's a NO cholesterol breakfast.   heat it up, add some nuts or granola.  oatmeal on a regular basis will lower your cholesterol.  

this is what my bathroom looks like on a regular basis.  swimsuits and sports bras, hand washed and hung up to dry.  not pretty, but this morning, i snapped a pic.  because i was struck by how drastically my life has changed since january!  i've never owned a sports bra.  now i own a few and they get used. going to the gym is like brushing my teeth, part of normal life.

small stuff, but big to me.  feeling good about it.

you all should be commended for what you've done.

some really good advice...

"I never put a deadline on my weight loss. My goal was to lose the weight no matter how long it takes and never gain it back.

If you're overweight and you get moving and eat right and eat moderate portions, weight will come off. Your actions will control the outcome. However, it is extremely difficult to predict WHEN the weight will come off.

So make your goal to take the actions that are needed rather than basing all your goals on the result you see on the scale. Some weeks, or maybe even months, you will lose nothing, even though you are taking the right actions. Does this mean you are a failure? Of course not.

Celebrate the actions you take and the results will come with consistency over time. If you base your whole sense of progress on the scale, you are in for a bumpy ride."



This is from the best healthy living blog: this is not a diet

phase 2 on hold- change of plans

so now is not the time to make drastic changes for me.  i'm a bit overwhelmed with upcoming surgery.  here's the new plan:

stick with eating healthy and working out.  keep it simple.  try to cut back on cheese.  eat more fruits & vegetables.  make lean meat a side dish.

get to the gym as often as possible.  if only to be in the best shape for surgery.

be patient with the slow weight loss.  focus on not gaining any weight back, maintaining.

once i'm through surgery and healing (6-8 weeks), i'll be ready to "kick it up a notch".  i'll kick it up a couple of notches!!!

for now i keep it simple, stay calm, and know that things are going to get better.

phase 2

well, i started my eating healthy & exercising in january.  i'm down 30 pounds.  i have 20 more pounds to lose by the end of the year to reach my goal.  i want to be under 200 pounds by january 1st, 2013.

i'm proud of the weight loss i've achieved so far, but i've hit a plateau.  so now it's time to kick it up a notch.

my plan of attack for phase 2, otherwise known as "fuck this shit, i'm gonna lose the weight because i can!!!":

1.  i can eat all the produce!  it's summer and there's great fruits and veggies available.  i'm going to try and base my diet on as much produce and as little animal products as possible.

2.  very little cheese.  less meat & dairy.  soy instead of creamer in my coffee.  i'll still eat egg beaters and chicken, turkey, and fish, but much less of it.

3.  stick with very few starchy carbs.  no bread, rice, pasta or potatoes.  or very little of it.  my carbs need to come from fruits & vegetables.

4.  start cutting back on coffee and wine.  this is going to be my toughest challenge.  but i know it needs to happen, especially the wine.

5.  experiment with juicing, more vegan based recipes, etc... (this is the "i want to be more like carol & also lower my husband's cholesterol" step.)

6.  get back to the gym!  i've been slacking a bit on exercise.  half-assing it.  i let my bad "time of the month" get me down & not exercising.  time to get back to swimming, and more spinning.  sunday i'm going to start a class with weights.  i need to build muscle.

ok, it's 5:40am, time to get to the pool!!!