Thursday, July 26, 2012

I Really Don't Want to Go

I have a follow up appointment with my new awesome doctor at the Cleveland Clinic center or whatever they call it for Integrative Medicine. I LOVE her. But I really don't want to go. Like, I have almost cancelled 40 times since yesterday.

I haven't lost one single flippin' pound since I saw her in either April or May, I think April. My hair is falling out from the damn thyroid meds, and my knees did NOT like my trying to jog. And I haven't quit drinking.

My dreams, hopes, plans, were to be much thinner by this visit, and have my drinking so under control that I wouldn't even flinch when she asks me again how it's going. And, none of that is true. I get that I've made a lot of fantastic changes, but I feel like a complete failure.

BUT, this just can't be like every other time in the past when I've tried to lose weight, and when I hit a wall and felt this way, I just cancelled appointments and slowly (or quickly) went back to old, comfortable habits. I can't put Tom through that again, or my psyche, or my body.

So, Friday, I'll go get my blood drawn, and Monday morning, I'll go see Dr. Powell. Yes, "new doctor" has a name. Who knows? Maybe my meds aren't strong enough. Maybe there's some information or feedback she can give me that will help. I know putting my head back in the sand clearly will not work though. If nothing else, I will feel good that I followed through on going. And she was so great at my first visit. I really hope she is just as great now, when things aren't going well. 

Then Thursday... I finally get back to the knee doctor. I don't think he's going to be mad because I waited so long to go back. This is the same doctor I saw before, and the one who operated on Tom, and he's super nice. And he really just wants to help people have better knees. He gets so frustrated with insurance, because I know I'll have to do a month of PT before they'll approve an MRI. He really just wants to do the MRI's and get on with it.

Anyway, I've also been trying to help Tom understand that this may be something I will need surgery for. Possibly. I JUST want him to understand that this COULD happen. I seriously doubt I'll REALLY need monkey knees, but maybe some arthroscopic something or other. I asked him to not get rid of his crutches in case I need them sometime soon, and I think that made something click in his head, because last night, I was cleaning and asked him if he still wanted some ice packs he got after his surgery, and he said no, unless I wanted to keep them if I need them for knee stuff. It sounds small, but it was really big.

So that's my words for today! Wish me luck or whatever. When I'm in a situation I am finding hard to handle, I usually pretend I'm Lara Flynn Boyle as seen on the Practice. I'll be doing that a few times next week, I'm sure.


glittergirl said...

this is good stuff. being open and honest. not giving up. keeping that damned appointment. so proud of you!

the drinking, it's tough. speaking for myself, i think there's so much shame around it, that it makes it hard to deal with it in an honest manner.

once i stopped being ashamed of gaining weight after weight loss surgery, i was able to start eating healthy and working out.

so, for me at least, it's about forgiving myself and losing the shame around my 3 glasses a night wine habit.

so, again, thanks for being open and honest with your struggles. it's easy to post about the successes. it takes guts to post the hard stuff.

glittermom said...

It fine!!!

Carol said...

Thanks, I really appreciate having a place to just "BLAHHHHH! Here's what's going on!!!" and get it all out. At this moment, I'm watching a documentary about obesity. It's very upsetting, but it's also good for me. I'm starting to get annoyed and I'm feeling like, OH F*CK no. That is NOT going to be me. Gotta hit that point where I'm a little on the annoyed side, not feeling like a failure.

Carol said...

And God, I'd LOVE a glass of wine right now.

glittergirl said...

that damn wine... so tough to give up. i didn't have wine for the first time last night. and it was not easy. so... we can do the not easy stuff.

and yeah, getting a little pissed off and less feeling like a failure is so good!


and like my mom said, it's all going to be FINE. and she's right.