i get knocked down...

i woke up today incredibly depressed, defeated.  why?

• the shots in my hands didn't work.  in fact, the doc hit a nerve and if i hit my wrist against something it hurts a lot.
• i found out that one of the healthy things i've been doing (eating more tofu & soy products, less animal products) is causing a problem.  i have problems with my "lady time" each month, and the soy products are making it worse.  so now i have to cut out a healthy food option that i love.
• i haven't been able to swim in almost a week due to stupid "lady time" problems
• i am having a terrible time giving up alcohol

so, all of these things are valid reasons to feel defeated.  i could easily give up at this point.  but i made a promise that starting today i'd "kick it up a notch" and make more improvements.

i'm talking myself out of the funk, using CBT tools that have helped me over the years.  i woke up at 4am, couldn't swim, so instead i did the dishes, the laundry, played with the dogs.  today i'll focus on eating really healthy, i'll try and take a walk on my lunch break with miss carol.

yesterday i got rid of all of my clothes that are now too big.  i tried on clothes and for the first time in years, i'm in a size 16.  this makes me so happy!

i need to focus on cutting out the booze, eating lean protein and fresh fruits and veggies, and once the hideous "lady time" is over, i'm going to hit the pool harder, and get back to spinning class.

i want to be in the best shape possible when we go to vegas in june.  my eye is on the prize!

i get knocked down, but i get up again!!!  (and you're welcome for the ear worm.)

New Numbers

This is mostly for Jen, because I've been driving her crazy waiting for these :)

I got my new numbers today, this was all after about 5 weeks on Engine 2. I'm really pleased. Bear with me, I'm actually thrilled and will likely give you WAY more details than you want :)

Overall number before: 223
New: 182

LDL before (the bad stuff): 141
New: 104

Ratio before: 4.1 (You want this at 5 or below)
New: 3.8

Now, two numbers were slightly worse than before (HDL went down, Triglycerides were a little up) so I'll keep an eye on them. They're both in an ok state, but I want it ALL in line. That drop in LDL is super sweet, I didn't think it would drop like that.

I've been less diligent the past week or two, and started cooling with a little oil, and eating more processed foods. This is total incentive to me to knock that off, and get back to whole, fresh foods.

On my way for Project 150!

"Burger -n- Beer" lunches

6 weeks into Engine 2, and I'm starting to realize that meat is truly gone. Sunday was hard. It was chilly out, and such a perfect day to do something Tom and I used to do a lot - find a bar, and have a burger and some beers. It was fun, but man, we ate really badly.

I know the world will not end, and I will not keel over, if I have ONE cheeseburger. But right now, I don't know if I'd stop at one. Part of why E2 works for me is because it's so "cold turkey". I'm not good at just one, or just a little.

We ended up at Noodlecat, my favorite Sunday spot. They had a super good vegetarian special (Seemed vegan to me, I didn't ask questions :) ) I also had some sake infused with plum vinegar. Much tastier than it sounds! It got me over the hump.

I know cravings will hit. Best I can do, I think, is realize that I can't expect to change 46 years of eating habits and of developed tastes in just a few weeks. Much as I WANT to!

New blood work

I'm finally getting around to getting new bloodwork tomorrow! I was going to have my cholesterol checked after 4 weeks of Engine 2, but time just flew by. So, it'll be after a little over 6 weeks. I have a certain number in mind, but really, any positive changes will make me super happy.

Cross your fingers I pass my test!

things i was wrong about & things i was right about...

things i was right about:

1. i love swimming.  (it just took me years to get my ass in the pool.)
2. i can follow a healthy diet (but still drink coffee and wine.)
3. spinning class will be too hard for me.  (but i'm going to keep going until it's not too hard.)

things i was wrong about:

1. the super fit ladies in the locker room are bitches.  i was so wrong about this one.  they are incredibly kind and supportive.
2. i hate exercise and i don't like to sweat.  finally realized that it feels good to sweat!  (as long as i can take a nice shower afterwards.)
3. vegetables are gross.  i've tried all kinds of different veggies, raw and cooked, and found that i love red peppers, spinach, kale, and yams.  all things i thought i hated.

i'm trying to just keep plugging on ahead, trying new things, and hoping to get used to spinning class.  it really does hurt your dupa!

That one guy who doesn't post alot

Hi.  My name is Copac.  You may know me from such things as DotDitWell videos with strange dolls with british accents, or from arguments with Jen about whether or not a hamburger is a sandwich (which it is, don't make me fight you again, Jennifer).


So, yeah, I'm one of the "authors" of this blog, but honestly I haven't really done anything related to the blog in quite some time.  I haven't even done anything with my own personal tumblr either.  


First off, I want to make it clear when I say that I take pride in being associated with you all as you work on your personal health goals.  Now that that's clear, I can say that I hate you all.


No, not really.  It's more that I'm jealous of you.  Or intimidated.  Or frustrated. 


I've probably posted this before but at one time, I was a multi-year member of Weight Watchers and had lost somewhere around 70 pounds.  I was close to breaking the 300 lb mark.  Then the wheels came off the wagon, or the engine lost it's steam, or the tank ran out of gas.  Feel free to pick the failure metaphor that you think fits best :)  I had been a member of a health and wellness committee at work, and had even given a presentation to my coworkers about my experience.  But something snapped.  And it all just went away. 


I think a big part of it was that while I was following the program, I wasn't doing it in a sustainable way.  I had a staple of about 3-4 dinners, and ate the same breakfast and lunch every day.  My workout routine was very regimented too.  Now for those of you who don't really know me that well, now's probably a good time to lay out some personality quirks that help define me:

1. I'm what I like to call a "lazy perfectionist", and by that I mean, while I still want everything to be perfect, I seem to lack the physical energy to keep up with the demands my head makes, mostly due to depression.  My apartment is generally a horrible mess, but that doesn't stop the brain from reminding me about how it's a mess. 
2. I've been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.  Now just so we're clear, that's not the repetitive hand washing, or light switch flicking disorder.  This one kinda goes along with the "lazy perfectionist" in that in my mind, the world is supposed to play out in a certain way.  And wouldn't you know it, the way it's currently playing out is not how it "should" play out!
3. I have a really strong aversion to change and the unknown.  Sometimes I'd call it a fear, other times not so strong.  I'm a creature/slave/"a guy habit calls when it wants to hook up but never tells habit 'Hey, I have feelings too, you know!'" of habit. 
4. I'm a control freak.  If I'm a part of something that I can't guide and direct when things start to go wonky, I'm not usually a fun person to be around.  
5. I am a certifiably picky eater.  Oh, and vegetables are the devil.  Except corn.  But those bastards took that one away from me and said "No, that's a starch, not a vegetable". 

So, with that out of the way, back to the whole wagon/engine/tank scenario.  My narrow little rut of a life at the time, while successful in terms of weight loss, was horribly inadequate when it came to fulfillment.  But thanks to the traits listed above, going off script (God, seriously, so many metaphors!) just wasn't an option.  Eating out was an exercise in futility.  "I don't know how big the serving is." "I don't know what the calories, fat, or fiber are." "All the things that I know the serving size and nutritional info are completely unappetizing to me!" 

To borrow a meme from younger set, I eventually just went all FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU *rage face*

So, flash forward a handful of years to today.  Rather than being at the point of nearly breaking 300 lbs, I'm struggling to stay below 400.  My depression, while relatively managed right now, has been trending at its worst.  Ok, I had a point to all of this.  OH RIGHT!!


So, Jennifer starts her transformation from caterpillar to beautiful butterfly....wait, scratch that, that'd put her way too close to bees.  Anyways, I see how Jennifer has been able to transform her life, and how it appears to be mostly fueled by sheer willpower and classic Jennifer bossiness.  And I hate to type this out, but it makes me mad.  I love Jennifer like a sister, and would never wish anything for her but the absolute best the world has to offer, and even then it wouldn't be good enough.  But seeing her do this so easily (completely irrational view from the outside looking in, obviously) or more appropriately seeing her continue to do it even when it's tough, should feel inspiring to me.  But it doesn't.  And that's on me.  Same thing goes for Carol's progress, and David's as well.  


One of the big problems that my depression causes me is the idea that I'm not worth the effort, or that it's too late, and I can't overcome what I've done to get to this point.  And I  can sit here and type that I know that's wrong and it's the depression talking, but that son of a bitch has a silky smooth voice sometimes.  I feel like I'm standing at the foot of Mount Everest, that I need to be on the peak, and that I literally have no idea how to get there.  Obviously, I've got vast amounts of information at my fingertips, but going back to those personality traits I listed above, pretty much all of it triggers at least 3 or sometimes all 5 of the touchy points.  Yet I know that there's no magical Sherpa who will carry me to the peak of that mountain.  I've started to summarize my current state in the following sentence.  "In order to get to the point where I feel the way I want to feel, I have to do the things right now that I don't feel I could do unless I was already at the point where I feel the way I want to feel"  And that's a scary big leap of faith for this agnostic computer nerd who thinks that chances shouldn't be taken unless you can hit undo (CTRL-Z FO LIFE YO!)


So, where do I go from here?  Well, probably to the kitchen to get some water, maybe to the bedroom to put my jammies on....wait, hang on.  Metaphorically speaking, Copac.  Well, I have to do something.  I have to try things.  And I have to fail at them.  And I have to not go all rage face when I do it.  Do I honestly think I can do it?  Honestly?  (Yes, Copac, that's why you said honestly...dipshit)  As my inner voice there alludes to, no.  Right now, I don't truly deep down believe that I can do it.  But I've been wrong in the past, and I'll be wrong again in the future, so I'm gonna try to find a way to make a legitimate attempt at it.  I'm just on a reallllllly long road.  In some cases, it may be longer than others' roads.  I have a lot of work to do emotionally, mentally, and physically.  And there's no road map that'll tell me what steps I should take that will get me where I want to go in the fastest and easiest way possible.  I'm trying to exercise more now.  That's about as far as I've gotten.  


Holy shit, this post is long.  I don't even know if it makes any sense.  I think I'll stop here.  G'night! :) 

Finished with first 28 days

I finished the 28 day "intro" thing for Engine 2 (I honestly don't remember all the words they use! I'm sure they have more glamorous terms than "intro" and "thing"!) as of Sunday. I honestly never thought I could give up cheeseburgers. And cheese! But, after this 28 days, I gotta say, I feel really, really good. I feel like this is how I should have been eating all along.

My initial plan was to do this 28 days, then figure out what I wanted to bring back into my diet. But I feel so good, I'm not bringing anything back. Well, I take that back. I have loosened up the "absolutely no oil" rule. I'll still leave oil out as much as I can, but there are some things that are just plain better with a teeny bit of oil. I learned how to make some kick ass salad dressings and sauces without oil, but I am totally ok with adding a smidge of oil to the pan if it means my tempeh bacon gets crispy crunchy edges.

I mean geeez. I swapped out tempeh for pig, a LITTLE oil? I'm ok with that :)

I did lose 7.5 pounds in March, too. Later this week, I will get my blood tested again, see what's up with the cholesterol. Gotta see how things are going with my Project 150!