Change and Honesty

“The best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing; the worst thing you can do is nothing.” -Theodore Roosevelt

It's very windy outside as I type this.  Beyond the washer and dryer running in the utility room, all I can hear is the wind buffeting my window.  Kind of fitting that it's coinciding with where my head's at right now.  Maybe it's a wind of change.

I need to change.  I do not like my life right now.  I do not like where I am, I do not like who I am, I do not like what I'm doing, I do not like why I'm doing it, and I do not like who I'm doing it for.  This doesn't mean that those things are necessarily wrong.  It means I need to take a good hard look at them and decide how I truly feel, and try to clear any fogginess or misinterpretations being caused by my depression, my obesity, my work frustrations, etc.

I need to start making more efforts to change.  I can do so much more than I currently am.  Things will not get better until I start putting forth stronger and more consistent effort.
I talk a really good game.  I can spout off personal development bullshit and can send you any number of links to sites that talk about becoming better.  I can sit with you and give you advice and support.  I can spin you a story and make you think that I've got it all figured out, and that I've got a good head on my shoulders.  But when it comes to walking that talk with my own life, I fall very, very short.

This isn't me beating up on myself, this is me trying to be honest with myself.  I don't do what I can.  I do what I've done because it's comfortable.  It doesn't help me or make me better, it sustains me.  It gets me through one day so that I'm still there to go through the next.  I'm not empowered, or motivated, or dedicated,  I'm existing.

I keep waiting for the day when it all makes sense, when it all clicks, when the light bulb goes off.  Waiting for the day when I wake up and say "You know what? I feel a lot better today, I can take on anything that comes my way".  Waiting for the day when life becomes "easy" once again and I can "catch my breath".  Waiting for someone to notice my struggles and suffering and say "Here, let me help you.  Here's a plan and if you follow it step by step, you'll achieve the peace and happiness you've been waiting for"

I can tell you right now that I will forget this at some point down the road.  Maybe next month, next week, hell, maybe even tomorrow.  That's my modus operandi.  I make broad, grand statements, with big claims and with words of conviction.  And then the fuel that created the big flame goes out, and I go back to normal.  I go back to the comfortable things.  I know for a fact that it'll happen again with this.  I don't have any answers as to how I'm going to keep this focus.  I'll see what I can do, and try to do what I can to remember this for as long as I put forth the effort to.

As a first step, I sat down and typed out this stream of consciousness into Evernote.  Hopefully I'll go back to it and refresh it, add to it, and maybe if i'm lucky, mark some things off of it.

Daily focus statements.

• Find the positive and acknowledge it/document it
• Give up the fallacy of perfection.  Instead focus on progress/results of any kind/attempts
• Focus on controlling you.  The world will do what the world will do.  Find the response to it that you want to have.  If you don't like that response, change it.  
• Do not attempt to control something that you cannot.  Accept it for what it is, affect it if you reasonably can, otherwise let go.
• Validate internally.  Reduce reliance on external validation
• You can't do it all, and you can't do it all right now. Make efforts to change.  

Exercise
Research beginning exercise
Develop a plan
Meet with a personal trainer

Diet
Keep track of what you eat.
Start with listing what you eat
Move on to tracking how much, estimated
Research tracking tools (MyFitnessPal, WW, etc)
Join WW again
Focus on better, different, do NOT expect perfection
Research Foods
Find new foods/meals to eat and give them a fair chance
DO NOT BE AFRAID OF FAILED ATTEMPTS.

Organization
Track more ToDo tasks in Astrid (or another tool if Astrid doesn't seem to be working)
Track both personal and work-related tasks

Cleaning/Personal Space
Find a central spot for mail, go through it every night, and handle the things that need handling
Organize your desk at work.
More often than not, try to vacuum, straighten up, do dishes, clean kitchen, etc.
DO NOT FOCUS ON HAVING EVERYTHING PERFECTLY CLEAN.  Focus on having things be CLEANER and BETTER organized.

Personal Development
Decide where you want to live.  Research houses/condos.
Give up expectation of finding the perfect woman.
Date more. Be open to getting hurt again.
Try more new things.  Go outside of the comfort zone.
Get a pet.

Fruit Juicing

Yes. I know. I post too many pictures of Jack on Facebook, and I am starting to get out of hand here with pictures of juice. Like Jack, I'll tucker out at some point :)

This morning I tried some fruit juicing. I used tart apples, and green seedless grapes. When it was all juiced, I added a squeeze of fresh lime and a bit of grated ginger. It was fantastic. VERY sweet though, so I mixed it up with some club soda.

I disobeyed Jen and weight myself (I will pay for the disobedience tomorrow... sigh....) and am down 3 pounds. I would like to be down 2 more by Saturday, so I'm going to be more diligent this week. If the numbers don't match what I want, I will be at least happy to have a good week.

Tom did some yoga with me on Saturday! We both really need to work on our flexibility, so I pulled up a fairly simple practice that involved using straps as support. A lot of times I like to be alone for yoga, or at least not talk, but this time, it was kind of nice to have such a 'kindred spirit' with me.

my new rule, advice to everyone

do not weigh yourself.  just skip it.  instead of the scale, just notice how your clothes might be fitting a little looser, or how you have more energy.  don't let the scale with it's stupid numbers get you down!

if anything, only weight yourself once a month, on the same scale, at the same time and date each month.

p.s.  i love this pic!

baby steps...

i know i've blogged about the big changes, the "sea changes", but i think the small changes mean more.

my small changes:

• putting my fork down between bites.  this allows me to slow down while eating, and to give my stomach enough time to tell my brain that it's full.
• smaller plates:  it seems silly, but i find that i eat smaller portions if i use a smaller plate.  it's one of those old "diet tricks" that actually works for me.
• drinking more water.  i spend the money on bottles of "smart water" because it just tastes better to me.  i always feel better when i've drank lots of water during the day
• drinking less wine.  i like wine.  i like drinking wine after a stressful work day.  i have a hard time going "cold turkey".  so i'm trying to just drink less.  last night i had wine, the night before i didn't.  progress!
• try new healthy things: i tried soy milk in my coffee today.  it's awesome!  switching from dairy to soy is good for my body.  tonight i'm making tuna steaks.  they might be gross, but i'm going to try a recipe that included sesame seeds & oil.  yum...
• cut back on unhealthy things:  i love cheese.  and salt.  i don't have high blood pressure, so i've always used salt.  i'm trying to use it less.  cutting back slowly.  same thing with cheese.  i LOVE cheese, but i'm trying to cut back, slowly.  i eat tofu sausage and egg whites most mornings, but on the weekends i have bacon once.
• throw out the things that are stupid:  sugar free cough drops, mentos, these are things i don't need.  they have gone to the trash.

i love hearing about the stuff everyone is doing.  the 21 day challenge, the juicer, boot camp.  david has been walking on the treadmill in his apartment's gym.  it's great to celebrate our progress!

it's also a real learning experience, trying to do "better", to be healthier, and not always sticking to goals.  i'm trying to own my mistakes, bad judgement, and move forward.  in the past i'd eat some junk food or skip a workout, and then just give up.  now i keep on trying!

p.s. the image of the bronzed baby shoes, brings back memories.  as a child, i was fascinated with mine.  i wanted to find a way to wear those bronze shoes!  LOL

swimming...

i leave the house on cold, snowy mornings, to get my fix.  i wait outside the ugly concreate building at 5:55am, waiting for them to open the doors.  sometimes i go on my lunch hour when i'm working from home.  i go when i'm sick, when i'm tired, when my car is buried under a foot of snow.

i love to swim.  doggy paddle is my signature stroke.  sometimes i float on my back (see the drawing above).  i love the feeling of floating while the water swirls around me.

there are different kinds of "pool people".  there are the times when it's "open family swim" with families and kids.  i avoid those times as a rule.  there are early morning "adult lap" swimmers, athletes, mostly men in speedos and latex swimming fast & hard, splashing everyone, hogging swim lanes.  i go when necessary.  

my favorite time to swim is during "senior water aerobics" lunch hours.  the pool is suddenly filled with chatty old ladies.  some walk with canes or even walkers.  they walk down a special ramp to get into the pool.  once they hit the water, they are transformed.  they start laughing, giving friends a hello hug, trading recipes, or gossiping about the older gent who swims slow laps around them.  they are like a beautiful gaggle of geese!

i think the water feels so good because it's forgiving.  those ladies leave their canes by the side of the pool, and suddenly they can walk without pain.  we all float.  we move.  and it feels lovely.

my favorite part of the pool is the point where the floor of the pool starts to drop off.  going from 3 feet, 4 feet, 6 feet.  i love walking down that steep ledge and feeling the moment where my feet leave the floor and i start to float...

Juicing Fun

About one week into having my juicer, I am having fun experimenting with different fruits and vegetables to figure out what tastes good and what does not. Even if it doesn't taste great sometimes, I at least feel like I'm doing something good by making it and drinking it.

Does not - I make a juice with other stuff, plus carrot and sweet potato. NO.

Does - Cucumber. Tomato. Kale. Also, I got a jar of already minced organic ginger. A teeny bit in juice is LOVELY.

So, all month I've been doing yoga almost every day, drinking more water, and now, juicing for about a week. This morning as I was doing yoga, I noticed, "huh. I'm not tired." Normally, Tuesdays are a struggle because I have band practice the night before and can't unwind and immediately go to sleep after it. Today though, I feel good. I hope it is a trend :)

For your viewing pleasure, Here are a couple of pictures. One is the "before" of juice I made last night. One is the "after"...


The ingredients: kale, tomato, beet, ginger, carrot (top included!)



The results. It was delicious!

Learning to love the mockery

For lunch today, I had rye toast with avocado. I have a bunch of avocados, and they are delicious, so it seemed fine to me. I also have a lot of left over cut up limes and lemons, so I brought some to work to put in my water.

While I was in a meeting, two people made comments about my lunch, one comment was that semi-scornful "oh, being all HEALTHY..." Before now, I would have been embarrassed to have attention like that, but today... I considered the source, and just said "yep" and moved on. And yeah, I did feel a little smug. On the inside :)

weird addictions, old insecurities, fresh goals...

weird addictions:  well, i have successfully given up the 2 rolls of mentos i was consuming on a daily basis.  i've been "mentos free" since late december!  in an odd twist, i now find myself chomping on sugar free hall's cough drops!  i eat a handful at a time.  there's something about the menthol and the crunching of the hard drops... weird.  and i found out that while they are sugar free, eating too many results in a horrible stomach ache.  so today i will throw out the last of them.  i think it's safe to say i have an oral fixation problem!


"Theoretically, oral-stage fixations are manifested as garrulousness, smoking, continual oral stimulus (eating, chewing objects), and alcoholism. Psychologically, the symptoms include a sarcastic personality, nail biting, etc..."


yeah, that sounds about right...  and of course giving up the wine has been a real struggle.


i do really well with getting to the gym to swim.  i'm great with the low carb diet (no bread, rice, potatoes, sugar, etc...)  but i struggle with giving up wine.  my anxiety kicks in every evening around 4pm and it feels terrible.  i need to remember that the anxiety will pass.


old insecurities:  i swam sunday morning and for the first time, i felt insecure.  they pool was crowded with a bunch of guys doing fast laps.  "power swimmers" who go for an hour straight and don't always stay in their lanes. and there i was, the chubby girl with the weird tattoos, doing my slow doggy paddle, taking up a valuable lane.  i wanted to get out of the pool right away.  but i stayed calm and reminded myself that i deserve to use the pool as much as anyone else.  and that those power swimmer dudes probably weren't paying any attention to me.  so i swam for my usual 30 minutes and actually did more laps then usual.  it's just amazing how quickly the "insecure fat girl" thinking can sneak up on me.


my goals for this week:
1. continue swimming, but try a yoga class (wednesday on my lunch hour), and a spinning class (thursday evening or friday morning.)


2.  no more cough drops!


3.  instead of my usual 2-3 glasses of wine, have just one drink after dinner.  something with vodka (low carb).  i think cutting down instead of trying to give it up will help.  or not.  it's such an embarrassing habit!


4.  start walking around the track at the gym.  i have this weird goal of someday being able to run a mile.  me, running?  sure!

Juicer

I bought a juicer. I bought it knowing the odds of me being one of those people who bought a juicer, used it a few times, and then put it on a shelf are high. It would end up right next to my yogurt maker.

I'm keeping it out in the open though, on the counter, so I'll see it all the time.

I've been reading up about juicing - what is good to use, what is bad, and also juice vs. eating the actual food in it's whole state. It's a negative for sure that I miss out on a lot (all?) of the fiber in foods when I juice them. I did read some recipes on how to use the stuff that's left over after juicing, but I have to be honest, if I don't have a use for that stuff IMMEDIATELY, I'm not going to save it and go back and use it later. I also read that vitamins and minerals aren't always absorbed because they get caught up in fiber and just sort of pass along. I'm skeptical of that, but I'm going to keep digging.

checking in...

i just wondered how everyone was doing with their exercise goals.

here are my random updates, thoughts, etc...

exercise:

• i still love swimming.  i try to go every day, because i just feel amazing afterwards.  plus i "reward" myself with some time in the hot tub or the sauna, and that seems to really help with my arthritis.  i sleep better & my mood is always great after i swim.
• my 30 minutes of swimming and water exercises is good, but i need to "kick it up a notch" if i'm going to lose more weight.  so my goals for next week:
• take a "master swimming" class to learn how to swim better and burn more calories
• try a yoga class
• try an aerobics class
• my gym offers so many classes at all hours of the day and evening, and it's all free, so i need to be brave, go out of my comfort zone (the pool), and try new stuff.

diet:

• i'm sticking to the high protein, low carb diet.  i'm following the weight loss surgery rules about water (when to drink it, how much etc...)  i don't even miss bread, rice or pasta!
• i am struggling with drinking wine.  i need to limit that to 1-2 times a week.  i was doing good with this until monday.  i keep coming up with reason why i "need" a glass of wine.  like:
• i had a bad day at work!
• i have PMS!
• it's the weekend!
• the thing is, i know better.  i never use those excuses to skip working out, so why use them to drink wine?  i need to work on this.  i don't need to beat myself up.  just try, try, try to get better.

i think trying, making improvements, and moving past the "mistakes" or failures is the key.  keep moving forward!

an interesting article on the modeling industry...

here's a link to an amazing article and pictorial about regular vs. plus sized models. i know there are some dudes on this team blog, but the article speaks to what our country considers fat or thin, and how people view their bodies.

in the end, i don't think any of us want to be skinny. we all just want to be able to walk without getting out of breathe. we want to be able to run up a flight of stairs, or carry our groceries in without being winded. we want to be strong physically and mentally. and we want to be around a long time for our friends & families.

it's not just about being weight loss weirdos. it's being healthy, happy, and always imperfect but awesome weirdos!

Keyboards should not function at 4:06 AM

Hello, all! Posting at 4:07 AM? Sure! What could go wrong?

I haven't posted here yet and didn't want to be a creepy lurker. I think I know each of you in real life. That is a nice change from another site I'm on, Sparkpeople. I joined it, and check in off an on. Sometimes there are interesting message board threads, but as far as my blog, I feel like it's just posted up there and a bunch of strangers are posting their blogs, and unless I "market" my blog, it's just going to sit there unread. Maybe I should post a recommendation to swallow cotton balls soaked in orange juice as a way to lose weight (I heard models do that) to see if anyone reads it. But I'd be horrified if someone gave that idea a thumbs up. Better not tempt fate.

I'm trying to do a lot of yoga. It at least makes me feel like I do have muscles in there somewhere. And the relaxation helps me not to freak out all the time. I'm nowhere near the person I want to be, physically and in some ways, mentally, emotionally, whatever you call the other part of yourself that's not physical. I'm working on all that right now. Truly grateful enough parts of my life are quiet enough right now that I can spend this time doing so.

i broke an egg...

well, i did ok on my liquid diet yesterday. i got through the work day. but i didn't pack any soup so all i had was 2 protein shakes. i left work feeling shaky and bad.

i ended up having some wine and a piece of pizza. i made a bad choice. i broke an egg.

instead of beating myself up, i just got up early and went swimming. i swam a few extra laps and it felt great. i spent some time in the sauna sort of meditating and thinking about my "broken egg".

i decided that doing a liquid only diet is too much for me. and not needed. i've lost over 10 pounds just swimming and following my weight loss surgery diet rules.

so, i'm feeling great, moving forward, and looking forward to keeping up with the good things i'm doing.

all this egg talk is making me hungry for scrambled eggs...

21Habit Update and "Sleep Hygiene"

Well, I’m through the first week of my 21habit commitment. I’ve successfully worked out for 30 minutes for 6 out of 7 days. I don’t mind donating a dollar to charity :-). I feel pretty good about continuing to hit the majority of the remainder of the 14 days in my commitment. 


My plan of keeping lifestyle changes to a minimum seems to be working up to this point. I had only planning on focusing on the 21habit commitment, but after talking to my psych about still having problems sleeping, I’m also working on practicing something called “sleep hygiene”. 


Sleep Hygiene is basically things like 

• going to bed and getting up at the same time every single day including weekends
• once in bed, no music, no books, no Internet, no tv, etc
• nothing to eat or drink after 9pm 

There’s some schools of thought that say if you wake up, get out of bed and do something until you feel tired again. But some more recent recommendations say to just stay in bed. 


For me, it’s going to be training my body how to sleep properly again. I’ve been taking sleeping meds for years, but honestly can’t remember the last time i got a truly restful sleep, and that’s going back for years. Once I was diagnosed with sleep apnea and got a machine to sleep with, that helped, but I still struggle with sleep. 


Anyways, hopefully practicing better “sleep hygiene” and my 30 minute daily workouts will continue and become new habits. 




Originally posted on my personal blog (Modern Life Support)

happy birthday to me...

well, today is my bday. i'm not a big fan of bdays. but this one is sort of "special". i'm starting a liquid fast. so no cake for me!!! and i'm happy about it. weird.

i had hoped to swim before work, but i had to come in early. so instead i parked way at the bottom of a steep hill and ran up it, and then did the 3 flights of stairs at work. these are not normal stairs. they are really steep and even the people who run marathons get winded on these stairs.

i had my one small cup of coffee with some steamed skim milk and chocolate protein powder. yum!!! i should have packed some of the soup i made yesterday, but forgot. ah well... i'll be fine.

fyi- the 5 day liquid diet i'm doing is specific to people who've had weight loss surgery. it's 2 days of liquids, then a day of soft protein, semi-soft protein and then firm. it will allow my smaller surgical stomach (called a pouch) to shrink back, and it will also get me on track to follow the rules for after surgery.

1. protein first. lean protein as much as possible. then veggies and fruits, in small amounts. no sugar, alcohol, and very little grains.

2. no water 30 minutes before or after a meal. this allows the food to stay in the stomach longer, so that i feel full longer.

3. exercise every day. this is something i didn't do after surgery. i'm only starting to follow this rule since end of december. it feels great.

i've stopped eating mentos and am allowing myself to have pasta & wine once a week. i think i can do this for the rest of my life. i will try my very best!!!

i got on the scale this morning and i've lost 10 pounds. happy birthday to me!!!

a final thought for today: this will get hard for me. i'll make mistakes. but if i can keep coming back to this as a way of life, and not a quick diet, it will work. blabbering about it on this blog really helps keep me motivated.

Good Quote

"Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going."
-anonymous

Boot Camp

UPDATE: 1/15/2012 - got weighed in yesterday for the first time and lost 6 pounds. yeah me! it is so hard to want to drive a half hour to work out...but i guess it is worth it. it is especially hard when i am on vacation.

Today was my first day at boot camp....i thought i was gonna die/hurl/walk out...but i didn't...i just kept moving. It is so hard to want to go back to a torture chamber where they have no mercy...but i need someone to kick my butt. i just hope my girlfriends and i keep it up. i am not coordinated so i want to know what the heck she is saying, learn those exercises and become more confident, not think anything of it, and have fun. I hope that day comes..... ugh!
i also bought a mini trampoline and it has a dvd of exercises so i think i will do those at home...so i won't be so miserable in class.

http://nulifefitnesscamp.com/

Excuses, epiphanies, and insights.

I am so excited...this is my first ever blogging experience. it couldn't have come at a better time. i am so thankful my awesome sister-in-law invited me to participate. 2012 is going to be a good year for me....but it is up to me to make it that way. first of all, i will be 40! it is a great way to review your life the last 39 years and make a better plan for the next 40.

I just wanted to share some of my excuses/epiphanies/insights because it helps me get it out of my head so i can let it go. Please do the same. I am curious...

Being overweight has been convenient for me...it allows me to stay isolated....at least that is what i tell myself....what i am trying to say is that it has served a purpose...protection. i really don't want or need that protection anymore...but it is so scarey to let it go...because i will be vulnerable. it will be letting go of an identity and creating a new one without "hiding". I think this is my biggest resistance to changing my life...it is going to be really hard to change from the inside out...lots of growing pains expected. that is why i hope you don't mind if i share it on here...i need to get it out of my head and into the light...so to speak.

Another excuse...food is my drug of choice. Period.

I don't know how to cook....but that is such a stupid excuse...i have bought several cookbooks for beginners and i just bought a slow cooker recipe magazine - a diet version so i don't have any excuses...the recipes look good. btw, i am a very picky eater...that doesn't help...i like the flavor of onions but i don't like to eat them. i don't like any kind of pepper etc. etc. I think a lot of what will happen in my cooking crusades will be experimenting with spices etc.

One of the hardest things for me to kick i think will be my coke habit (Coca-Cola that is ;) It is so easy to drink my calories and feel satisfied. I actually feel a little happy or excited when i see the coca-cola logo...wow, they did their job...on me...

Self-sabatoge will always be my lurking, unwanted companion.

So, thanks that was a little scarey but i will continue to blog/blab..however you want to look at it.

good and bad choices...

well, i decided that i'd have a "break" from all the healthy eating last night. i still made roast chicken breast, but i ate the potatoes and had wine. for the first time in a week, i had a nice chardonnay. it was ok. the first glass was a nice buzz. but then it was just sort of a waste. i ended up having a crappy night's sleep too.

but i took that "bad choice" and made a good choice. when i woke up at 5am, i did the dishes and went to the gym. i had the entire pool all to myself and it was lovely. i swam laps (dog paddle, of course) and then did my own weird water aerobics. i got my heart rate going and it felt great. of course i hit the whirlpool and sauna.

it felt so good! i even washed my car and had a small coffee from mcdonald's. weird to go there and not order my favorite #2 meal in the morning. instead of that, dan & i went to my favorite little dinner and i had a big omelet with cheese and bacon. hold the toast and hash browns.

i like the high protein, super low carb way of eating. it's almost easy for me. although i do miss a nice roll of peppermint mentos at times...

i start my 5 day 'fast' on monday, my birthday. i'm strangely excited to NOT have cake. i'll turn 42 drinking protein shakes, and going for a swim. happy birthday to me!

a sea change...

today i've been pondering about changing my old ways of thinking about diet and exercise. i feel like there's been a big shift in my thinking recently. i now see myself making better choices for the rest of my life. it really does feel like a "sea change" in my head. a very drastic change from deep within.

when i say the word "diet", i no longer mean some temporary change in eating habits to loose weight. i now mean the way in which i eat every single day. i choose each and every thing i eat. and i am committed to making better choices, so that i can live a long, healthy and happy life. as much as it's in my control.

i'll make good choices, and sometimes i'll make mistakes. i'll learn from my mistakes and move on. instead of making mistakes, hating myself, and giving up!

i read something recently, an analogy about breaking eggs. the person asks, "in all your years of cooking, have you ever dropped an egg on the floor? when you dropped the egg, did you just stop cooking forever? or did you wipe it up and start over?"

the point being: why let mistakes stop you from trying again? why let a dropped egg keep you from ever making another omelet?

i'm feeling great and making the right choices lately. but i'll screw it up, i'll fail, i'll do the wrong thing. it's inevitable. the big change i'm trying to make is that when i fail, i'll accept the failure, learn from it, and move on. knowing i'll fail at times, but working to not beat myself up about it.

on tuesday i had nothing healthy to eat for breakfast and i was back to work after the holidays. my mistake was being unprepared. so i got mcdonald's, and felt bad. and it was gross!

for lunch that day i made good choices. i stopped my inner critic from telling me that i sucked for eating mcdonald's. it was a bad choice, but i had plenty of chances to make good choices. i've been making good choices for every meal since then.

ok, enough of my rambles. it helps me to keep blogging about this stuff!

small victories...

1.  day 2 at the gym.  rented a locker, brought my awesome new googles, and tried the sauna.  also checked out the showers.  not too creepy!

2.  day 5 or 6 eating better.  lean protein, lots of water, small amount of fruit & veggies, few bites of pasta.    no wine or mentos!

3.  figuring out how to cook for myself and the husband, with 2 sets of mostly different dietary needs.  eggbeaters for the win!

mostly i feel positive, that i can continue this way of life.  dig it!

Today is the first day of the rest of your life!

So I skipped the gym today. I decided a nap and a plate of cheese would be better. I followed the cheese nap with a bottle of wine & fried chicken. Topped it off with a cup of sugar, snorted through my nose. Just checking to see if anyone reads these posts! (edit: oh these posts are read - copax) I've stuck to my no mentos/ no alcohol rule. I drove out in the snow to get to the gym. I swam laps (doggy paddle all the way!) and then sat in the whirlpool. It was pretty cool. One odd thing: there are no fat girls at the gym! It's all soccer moms & their kids, or weird middle-aged jocks. And not a tattoo to be seen! I'm also wondering what the proper etiquette is for strangers in the whirlpool? Do you make small talk, ignore each other, or pretend to intently read (& reread) the rules posted on the wall. You'll never guess what this awkward girl did! Let's just saw that I know the many rules of the whirlpool & I may have broken at least 3 of them. I'm doing great with eating specific to weight loss surgery. The liquid fast will begin on Friday. Exciting!

I've started using 21habit.com. I've committed $21 and will get back $1 a day for each day I successfully accomplish my stated goal (I will work out 30 minutes a day.) For each day I'm unable to accomplish the goal, $1 will be donated to charity (List of charities) Some people seem to believe that it takes 21 days to turn something into a new habit. This is widely debated (How long does it take to change a habit?) but I figured if I can do it for 21 days, it'll at least be a good start if nothing else. The end of my 21 days will coincide with my birthday. That'd be a hell of a birthday gift to have a new habit like this :)

Making Changes

Making changes in my life has always been a real struggle for me. I get stuck in my ways out of fear of the unknown, out of a need for control, out of a search for perfection, or just out of laziness. And when I try to make changes, I get caught up in looking for fast results, constant improvement, and/or effortless new habits.

There are a couple of blog posts on this subject that have recently clicked with me when it comes to making changes

The Half Step That Will Change Your Life - Leo Babuta, Zen Habits

The Single-Changing Method - Leo Babuta, Zen Habits

The basic gist is to pick one thing, one small thing, and kind of give that one thing a laser-like focus. It can be as simple as taking 2 minutes out of your day to just do nothing and reflect on your life, or drinking more water, or eat one new healthier option. From a consistency standpoint, try to only worry about that one new change you’re making, if you slip-up, just go right back to that one thing. Once it gets to the point that you feel like it’s really become a “habit” and you can do it with minimal effort, or you really enjoy doing it, then move on to another change, and do the same thing. Don’t get caught up with the end goal, focus on the step itself and enjoying the change you’re making. One thing I’d throw in that’s not necessarily mentioned in the posts would be to give a change a fair shot to see if it will work out, but if it doesn’t, then don’t feel like you failed and don’t give up on making other changes. Just find a new small change, focus on it, and see what it does.

I know that I personally feel overwhelmed with the vast amount of stuff in my life that “needs” to change. And that can lead me to giving up, that there’s no way I’ll be able to make it all happen. But now I’m starting to learn that, you know what? That’s the way life goes, and it’s gonna be ok nonetheless. Maybe I can make all those changes over time, maybe I can’t. Maybe I’ll get them changed in a timeframe that feels fast enough, maybe I won’t. Regardless, I can’t stop trying to make some of them.

23 1/2 hours

23 1/2 hours

It’s such a simple concept. Exercise make you healthier and helps you live longer. But for me, and I’m sure for others, it’s a struggle. I know for myself, it’s not so much a struggle against external factors. It’s a struggle against myself. I own an exercise bike. I work at a job that has exercise equipment available. I’m single, no kids, no major time commitments outside of my job. Yet I still don’t take the time to do it. This video makes a really solid point, and I don’t mean to “spoil” the video, but the title is kind of a giveaway anyways.

The summarizing point of the video is this. ”Can you limit your sitting and sleeping to just 23 1/2 hours a day?” Well, yeah, when you put it that way, of course I can. 30 minutes a day. That’s 2% of your day. For a logical nerd like me, that’s evidence that’s kinda tough to ignore.

2012 Resolutions

Next year, I resolve to do more, move more, eat better, worry less about the unknown, worry less about work, worry less in general, cry less, stress less over the unknown, stress less over work, stress less in general, be sad less, be happy more, clean more, read more, game more, worry about others less, put others first less, worry about myself more, put myself first more. I resolve to be vulnerable in order to find love, find a new place to live, and ultimately find a life outside the rut I’ve been living in. And I resolve to seek out and ask for the help and reinforcement I will ultimately need to try to accomplish everything I’ve listed here. I have a lot to do, and I haven’t done much of it before out of fear of failure and the unknown.

I wish everyone who sees this a safe, happy, and prosperous new year.

new year's resolution. there, i said it!

i'm sipping my cup of coffee, listening to experts on the today show talk about how resolutions almost always fail.  well, F that!  i feel a real excitement about my goals.  

for the first time in over 10 years, i've joined a gym.  i am really excited to start my exercise routine with swimming 3 days a week, and then a yoga class or spinning once i'm in a little better shape.  I CAN DO THIS.

i've spent weeks researching a special diet that caters to weight loss surgery patients.  it will start with a 5 days fast, and then i'll go back to the basic post-surgery rules:  protein first, then a small amount of vegetables & fruits (low glycemic), tons of water, protein shakes, and no snacking.  I CAN DO THIS.

i'm also giving up the mentos.  i was up to 2 rolls a day.  i stopped buying them last week and yesterday i had my last piece.  

yesterday we had a great pizza for lunch.  then that night we had a really nice red wine, and a few bites of cannoli.  it was all good, but i need to make that kind of stuff a special occasion and not an every day thing.

i'm cutting way back on coffee and alcohol.  i'm slowly cutting back on the coffee (so that i don't get horrible caffeine withdrawal headaches).  i'm cutting alcohol back to just one drink with dinner.  when i do the 5 day fast (hoping to do that in about a week) i'll have no coffee or drinks.  I CAN DO THIS.

i'm participating in a 30 day yoga challenge with friends at work.  it entails eating 1 vegetarian meal, 15 minutes of yoga and 15 minutes of meditation every day.  I CAN DO THIS.

and finally, i want to make healthy meals for the husband, to walk the dog more, and to find new way's to handle stress.  WE CAN DO THIS.