Saturday, October 27, 2012

losing & then maintaining...

just a quick post.  i was thinking about how in the first 6 months of this year i lost 30 pounds.  i had hoped to lose 50 pounds total by the end of the year.  but things happened.  a hysterectomy.  and a long recovery.

so i changed my focus to just maintaining.  not gaining.  which was tough.  the first few weeks after surgery i didn't move much and i ate some junk food.

in the entire 8 weeks of recovery i only gained 2 pounds.  and now those pounds are gone.  so my new goal for the rest of the year (only 2 months left!) is to just get back to the gym more and more.  and get my eating habits healthier.  maybe lose a few pounds.

i've been swimming 3 times a week.  back to the full 45 minutes when i'm feeling good.  i hope to get back spinning in another week.  then weights.

and things will change again.  a week, month or year from now, who knows what i'll be doing.  i think as long as i focus on baby steps and small improvements, i'll be just fine.

one thing i'm proud of: i started working out and eating healthy at the end of december, and i'm still doing it.  i didn't give up.  :)

so, just wanted to get that stuff on the blog.  now i'm going to eat sushi.  tomorrow swimming.  it's pretty good.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Working out

After spending time and money getting my knees looked into, mostly to find out I'm just getting older (I'm laughing, getting older beats the alternative), and putting it off as long as I could, I started working out with Tom again.

I did this for a few months in 2009, when I was unemployed and we were trying to run a fitness studio with partners who were, well, glad they're out of our lives let's just say... I was really hitting my groove, and looking better, then a lot of shit hit a lot of fans and I just quit.

But now I'm back. And I'm remembering, I REALLY like lifting weights. I like seeing something heavy and saying "I'm gonna move that", I like how any stress I'm feeling goes right into my muscles when I'm lifting, then when I'm done, BAM, it's gone. We're going to work on my bench press next week. He thinks I'm going to be able to do 100 pounds, if not now, then very soon. I will LOVE that.

It's so good that there are so many different ways to exercise. Cardio... I'm sorry, I still get SO bored and I don't like it. I'll keep trying though. Maybe there's something out there that I'll click with.

Anyway, that's what I'm up to. Still trying to be a healthier me :)

Tuesday, August 7, 2012


When people are ready to, they change. They never do it before then, and sometimes they die before they get around to it. You can't make them change if they don't want to, just like when they do want to, you can't stop them.” - Andy Warhol

i love that quote.  right now, i'm thinking about the changes i made (when i was ready) and how, now, i feel like, you can't stop me.

i made big changes by joining the gym and finding exercise that i like.  LOVE.  deep water jogging, spinning, even weight class.  i also changed my diet in big ways.

i lost 30 pounds in 6 months.  then things slowed down...

then, i found out i had a tumor in my uterus.  not cancer.  but major surgery scheduled.

so, the changes i made were suddenly met with life changes i hadn't anticipated.  i wouldn't be meeting my goal to get under 200 pounds by the end of the year.  not with surgery and a long recovery where i won't be able to hit the gym.

it was hard to wrap my mind around things.  i had a few weeks of eating some fast food, going to the gym less.

then i realized that i couldn't control life (and tumors and things) but i could change how i handled it.

i readjusted my goals.  i decided that before surgery i'd spend as much time at the gym as i could.  and i'd keep experimenting with new vegetables.  i also came up with a plan to clean the entire house before surgery, room by room, each weekend.

so now i know how to make celery root hash browns and my bathroom is sparkling.  i wish i were on track to lose more weight faster, but that's not in the cards.

but i am not gaining any weight.  and that's progress.  and after surgery, i'm going to try to follow a high protein/ low carb diet for a few weeks (my doctor said that will help the healing process.)

and tomorrow i'm going to the gym after work to try pickle ball.  a weird team sport that's sort of like table tennis with a wiffle ball on a tennis court.  weird!

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Take #...lost count

I rejoined Weight Watchers this weekend.  I'm trying to go in with a very different mindset.  I haven't even started thinking about points yet.  I'm looking up recipes to try (going down the Pinterest rabbit hole, come join me, thinking about kitchen things I need to buy.  When I start thinking about points, I'm going to just calculate what I eat right now.  I'm not going to try to pre-adjust my diet.  If I'm relatively near my recommended points, great.  If I'm twice my points, that's great too.  At least I'll have a better idea of what to work on.  I looked at the number from the scale, but I'm going to try and ignore it to some degree.  I'm also considering joining a gym, but for now I'm going to focus on making some diet changes, and using my exercise bike or the exercise equipment they have at work.  I'd like to someday work with a personal trainer and understand "how to exercise"  

new thoughts on an old problem...

Here's an article on a new term floating around, the "almost alcoholic".  

The almost alcoholic is someone whose drinking goes beyond social drinking, but isn't alcoholism.  The article and the book it references, talks about how there is a range, a spectrum of how people drink.

The old way of thinking was, if you're drinking too much, you're labeled an alcoholic, and you must go to AA.

That old way of thinking has had me in a panic.  Thinking, "I don't want to be labeled an alcoholic or go to meetings that are religious based, like AA."  

I know I'm drinking too much these days.  I have a few glasses of wine every evening after work, while I make dinner, before bed.  I don't get drunk.  It takes the edge off my anxiety, work stress, etc...

I've managed to keep drinking wine and lose 30 pounds since January.   I stopped eating fast food (something I am 100% addicted too.)  But cutting out my evening stress reducing wine hasn't happened.

I have been torn, guilt ridden, over the wine.  But that seemed to feed into the habit more.  

Recently I've been reading articles about a recent study that showed weight loss surgery patients had major struggles with alcohol around the 2nd year out of surgery.  That was me.  And the study showed that wine was the main drink of choice.  Something about the way the wine hits a post-surgical person's system faster then normal. it's compared to the high of smoking crack.

The interview prominent surgeons in the bariatric field and they all dismissed the study.  Which pisses me off.  If I had been told about the dangers of drinking after surgery, I never would have touched wine.  The only thing they told us was to avoid milkshakes!

So besides my own guilt, I've had to "forgive" the surgery that didn't work for me, and the medical professionals that didn't give me the full story.  And I think I have.

It took reading about the "almost alcoholic" to say, ok, that's me.  I'm drinking too much and it's having some negative impact on my life.  I'm not driving drunk or blacking out.  I'm just not losing as much weight as I could be.  I'm missing some time with my husband and the dogs.

And in 1 month I'm having major surgery.  So I'm ready to cut back on drinking.  No more drinking wine every night.  I want to be on the end of the spectrum that makes me a normal social drinker.

Last night I didn't drink wine.  I had an anxiety attack, and almost caved around 8pm.  But I didn't.  And the anxiety passed and I slept pretty well.  Progress.

Progress, forgiveness (for myself and my doctors), peace... 

Thursday, July 26, 2012

I Really Don't Want to Go

I have a follow up appointment with my new awesome doctor at the Cleveland Clinic center or whatever they call it for Integrative Medicine. I LOVE her. But I really don't want to go. Like, I have almost cancelled 40 times since yesterday.

I haven't lost one single flippin' pound since I saw her in either April or May, I think April. My hair is falling out from the damn thyroid meds, and my knees did NOT like my trying to jog. And I haven't quit drinking.

My dreams, hopes, plans, were to be much thinner by this visit, and have my drinking so under control that I wouldn't even flinch when she asks me again how it's going. And, none of that is true. I get that I've made a lot of fantastic changes, but I feel like a complete failure.

BUT, this just can't be like every other time in the past when I've tried to lose weight, and when I hit a wall and felt this way, I just cancelled appointments and slowly (or quickly) went back to old, comfortable habits. I can't put Tom through that again, or my psyche, or my body.

So, Friday, I'll go get my blood drawn, and Monday morning, I'll go see Dr. Powell. Yes, "new doctor" has a name. Who knows? Maybe my meds aren't strong enough. Maybe there's some information or feedback she can give me that will help. I know putting my head back in the sand clearly will not work though. If nothing else, I will feel good that I followed through on going. And she was so great at my first visit. I really hope she is just as great now, when things aren't going well. 

Then Thursday... I finally get back to the knee doctor. I don't think he's going to be mad because I waited so long to go back. This is the same doctor I saw before, and the one who operated on Tom, and he's super nice. And he really just wants to help people have better knees. He gets so frustrated with insurance, because I know I'll have to do a month of PT before they'll approve an MRI. He really just wants to do the MRI's and get on with it.

Anyway, I've also been trying to help Tom understand that this may be something I will need surgery for. Possibly. I JUST want him to understand that this COULD happen. I seriously doubt I'll REALLY need monkey knees, but maybe some arthroscopic something or other. I asked him to not get rid of his crutches in case I need them sometime soon, and I think that made something click in his head, because last night, I was cleaning and asked him if he still wanted some ice packs he got after his surgery, and he said no, unless I wanted to keep them if I need them for knee stuff. It sounds small, but it was really big.

So that's my words for today! Wish me luck or whatever. When I'm in a situation I am finding hard to handle, I usually pretend I'm Lara Flynn Boyle as seen on the Practice. I'll be doing that a few times next week, I'm sure.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

oh the vegetables i can eat...

kumulato tomatoes are my new fav 

beets are so beautiful inside! 

roasted beets are my current obsession 

i bought all this fresh fruit & produce, and actually used almost all of it! 

my "this is not a diet" inspired, thrown together salad.  roasted corn, black beans, avocado, tomatoes, orange pepper, cilantro, a dash of extra virgin olive oil, sea salt, champagne vinegar & cilantro.  SO GOOD!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

small stuff...

this is a miracle recipe.  you put some steel cut oats into a jar, add some vanilla soy milk, and then raisins, banana, whatever, and it's a NO cholesterol breakfast.   heat it up, add some nuts or granola.  oatmeal on a regular basis will lower your cholesterol.  

this is what my bathroom looks like on a regular basis.  swimsuits and sports bras, hand washed and hung up to dry.  not pretty, but this morning, i snapped a pic.  because i was struck by how drastically my life has changed since january!  i've never owned a sports bra.  now i own a few and they get used. going to the gym is like brushing my teeth, part of normal life.

small stuff, but big to me.  feeling good about it.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

you all should be commended for what you've done.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

some really good advice...

"I never put a deadline on my weight loss. My goal was to lose the weight no matter how long it takes and never gain it back.

If you're overweight and you get moving and eat right and eat moderate portions, weight will come off. Your actions will control the outcome. However, it is extremely difficult to predict WHEN the weight will come off.

So make your goal to take the actions that are needed rather than basing all your goals on the result you see on the scale. Some weeks, or maybe even months, you will lose nothing, even though you are taking the right actions. Does this mean you are a failure? Of course not.

Celebrate the actions you take and the results will come with consistency over time. If you base your whole sense of progress on the scale, you are in for a bumpy ride."

This is from the best healthy living blog: this is not a diet

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

phase 2 on hold- change of plans

so now is not the time to make drastic changes for me.  i'm a bit overwhelmed with upcoming surgery.  here's the new plan:

stick with eating healthy and working out.  keep it simple.  try to cut back on cheese.  eat more fruits & vegetables.  make lean meat a side dish.

get to the gym as often as possible.  if only to be in the best shape for surgery.

be patient with the slow weight loss.  focus on not gaining any weight back, maintaining.

once i'm through surgery and healing (6-8 weeks), i'll be ready to "kick it up a notch".  i'll kick it up a couple of notches!!!

for now i keep it simple, stay calm, and know that things are going to get better.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

phase 2

well, i started my eating healthy & exercising in january.  i'm down 30 pounds.  i have 20 more pounds to lose by the end of the year to reach my goal.  i want to be under 200 pounds by january 1st, 2013.

i'm proud of the weight loss i've achieved so far, but i've hit a plateau.  so now it's time to kick it up a notch.

my plan of attack for phase 2, otherwise known as "fuck this shit, i'm gonna lose the weight because i can!!!":

1.  i can eat all the produce!  it's summer and there's great fruits and veggies available.  i'm going to try and base my diet on as much produce and as little animal products as possible.

2.  very little cheese.  less meat & dairy.  soy instead of creamer in my coffee.  i'll still eat egg beaters and chicken, turkey, and fish, but much less of it.

3.  stick with very few starchy carbs.  no bread, rice, pasta or potatoes.  or very little of it.  my carbs need to come from fruits & vegetables.

4.  start cutting back on coffee and wine.  this is going to be my toughest challenge.  but i know it needs to happen, especially the wine.

5.  experiment with juicing, more vegan based recipes, etc... (this is the "i want to be more like carol & also lower my husband's cholesterol" step.)

6.  get back to the gym!  i've been slacking a bit on exercise.  half-assing it.  i let my bad "time of the month" get me down & not exercising.  time to get back to swimming, and more spinning.  sunday i'm going to start a class with weights.  i need to build muscle.

ok, it's 5:40am, time to get to the pool!!!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Reminder to myself

I'm posting this here so I have a reminder, next time I feel like "being bad" and eating stuff that's not good for me.

Last night, through a series of fails, we ended up at Sullivans, an Irish restaurant in Lakewood. I honestly didn't try very hard at all to eat well. I had mussels in butter, fried shrimp, french fries, part of a soggy boxti with cream sauce, and some culcannon which I'm sure had milk and butter in it. I only had two beers, but this morning, I felt like TOTAL crap. I still do. My skin feels greasy, my eyes are blurry, I have ZERO patience, even my HAIR can't even work up energy to look decent!

I slept badly, my stomach is sad, and I feel like shit.

Tom worked early this morning, and when he got home, he said, "MAN, I feel hungover and I only had two beers!" I'm sorry he feels gross, too, but I'm sort of glad. We will BOTH remember this next time.

I've been feeling frustrated and restless with all my stupid "rules" and feeling like I don't eat like a normal human being. I got a big FAT reminder that when I eat crap, I FEEL like crap. When I eat healthy, fresh, pure food, I feel good and strong.

Next time I start to get frustrated and want something "Bad", I'm coming back here to remember how I'll pay for it :)

Wednesday, June 13, 2012


Tom and I went out to eat yesterday, and while I was analyzing the menu and figuring out what "qualified", I thought, "Man, I really just want to eat like a normal person again." Then I thought about how when I did eat like what I was thinking about, I felt bad. No energy, had to nap (as opposed to napping because I like to!), bloated, yucky. So, ceviche and salad instead of fried chicken ramen it was :)

That is all... as you were!

Thursday, May 31, 2012

the gym...

this is sort of my motto when it comes to the gym and working out.  someday i'm going to run a 5K.  hopefully by the end of the year.  i think if my dad could learn to run marathons, i can handle a 5K. 

found this magazine in the locker room, seems a little...creepy.  someone has issues!

this is the intersection i am at most mornings around 5:00am.

this website has some really great tips on diet and exercise.  i've never been a fan of girls who want to be "super skinny", but i think the dumb name of the website can be ignored.  because they really have good information on things like body type, zig zag calorie intake, and other tips that really make sense.

this is one of those amazing sunrises that greets me when i leave the gym.  it's like the sky is saying, "good job on exercising!"  he he he...

Monday, May 28, 2012

Holiday Weekend challenges

This is probably just me babbling, just happy to have a place to vent :)

It's the holiday weekend, and I'm bouncing back and forth between beating myself up and being happy about changes I've made that are sticking. Oh pendulum!

The good stuff:
  • Saturday, took about an hour and a half walk along the beach at Edgewater. Super extra bonus was that we walked on giant rocks some of the time. I was petrified of falling, I'm not exactly as graceful as those goats that live on the sides of mountains, but I did it. It was super fun, I'm definitely going back.
  • At a cookout yesterday, I participated in badminton. No, it's not strenuous exercise, and I was TERRIBLE, but at least I got up off my butt and moved. And laughed a LOT. Oh, and invented the Basketball Serve. Watch for it at the Olympics.
  • Stayed pretty much offline from Friday afternoon to now. All the access to technology is damaging my ability to be where I am, mentally. Today, I'm going to do this, maybe update my other blog, then take another tech break. 
  • With the teeny exception that will come next, I totally stuck to no meat, no dairy except quality fish.

The "Ok, not bad!" stuff:
  • There were kebabs at the cookout yesterday with Haloumi cheese. I ate a piece. About the size of chick pea. It was LOVELY. And now, I have no desire to have more. So yay!

The bad stuff:
  • I'm not paying attention to eating only when I'm hungry
  • Booze. I drank way too much. Not as much as I would have when I was younger, but still. I'm not losing any weight, and I KNOW alcohol is a big part of the problem. So is the other point, not paying attention to if I'm hungry or not.
So, today is a new day. I'm not going to eat just to eat, I'm going to nap, and enjoy myself, and when I'm hungry, I'll eat. And maybe I'll even turn on the air conditioning :)

Thanks for the "ear"!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

How I Got Fat: A Mystery

HA! Psyche. I got fat eating too many calories! Today was a great reminder to me that I can't eat everything I want, no matter how clean/green/pristine it is.

I've been on a plateau for weeks now, weight wise, and been super frustrated. Today, I figured I'd track my calories. Ta da, there it was. I ate way more than I thought for breakfast, and had to be pretty careful the rest of the day. It was easier when I first did Engine 2, because I was eating TONS of vegetables, and hadn't yet discovered vegan baking. And of course booze adds calories.

SO, back to journaling, for awhile anyway!

Monday, April 30, 2012

i get knocked down...

i woke up today incredibly depressed, defeated.  why?

  • the shots in my hands didn't work.  in fact, the doc hit a nerve and if i hit my wrist against something it hurts a lot.
  • i found out that one of the healthy things i've been doing (eating more tofu & soy products, less animal products) is causing a problem.  i have problems with my "lady time" each month, and the soy products are making it worse.  so now i have to cut out a healthy food option that i love.
  • i haven't been able to swim in almost a week due to stupid "lady time" problems
  • i am having a terrible time giving up alcohol
so, all of these things are valid reasons to feel defeated.  i could easily give up at this point.  but i made a promise that starting today i'd "kick it up a notch" and make more improvements.

i'm talking myself out of the funk, using CBT tools that have helped me over the years.  i woke up at 4am, couldn't swim, so instead i did the dishes, the laundry, played with the dogs.  today i'll focus on eating really healthy, i'll try and take a walk on my lunch break with miss carol.

yesterday i got rid of all of my clothes that are now too big.  i tried on clothes and for the first time in years, i'm in a size 16.  this makes me so happy!

i need to focus on cutting out the booze, eating lean protein and fresh fruits and veggies, and once the hideous "lady time" is over, i'm going to hit the pool harder, and get back to spinning class.

i want to be in the best shape possible when we go to vegas in june.  my eye is on the prize!

i get knocked down, but i get up again!!!  (and you're welcome for the ear worm.)

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

New Numbers

This is mostly for Jen, because I've been driving her crazy waiting for these :)

I got my new numbers today, this was all after about 5 weeks on Engine 2. I'm really pleased. Bear with me, I'm actually thrilled and will likely give you WAY more details than you want :)

Overall number before: 223
New: 182

LDL before (the bad stuff): 141
New: 104

Ratio before: 4.1 (You want this at 5 or below)
New: 3.8

Now, two numbers were slightly worse than before (HDL went down, Triglycerides were a little up) so I'll keep an eye on them. They're both in an ok state, but I want it ALL in line. That drop in LDL is super sweet, I didn't think it would drop like that.

I've been less diligent the past week or two, and started cooling with a little oil, and eating more processed foods. This is total incentive to me to knock that off, and get back to whole, fresh foods.

On my way for Project 150!

Monday, April 23, 2012

"Burger -n- Beer" lunches

6 weeks into Engine 2, and I'm starting to realize that meat is truly gone. Sunday was hard. It was chilly out, and such a perfect day to do something Tom and I used to do a lot - find a bar, and have a burger and some beers. It was fun, but man, we ate really badly.

I know the world will not end, and I will not keel over, if I have ONE cheeseburger. But right now, I don't know if I'd stop at one. Part of why E2 works for me is because it's so "cold turkey". I'm not good at just one, or just a little.

We ended up at Noodlecat, my favorite Sunday spot. They had a super good vegetarian special (Seemed vegan to me, I didn't ask questions :) ) I also had some sake infused with plum vinegar. Much tastier than it sounds! It got me over the hump.

I know cravings will hit. Best I can do, I think, is realize that I can't expect to change 46 years of eating habits and of developed tastes in just a few weeks. Much as I WANT to!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

New blood work

I'm finally getting around to getting new bloodwork tomorrow! I was going to have my cholesterol checked after 4 weeks of Engine 2, but time just flew by. So, it'll be after a little over 6 weeks. I have a certain number in mind, but really, any positive changes will make me super happy.

Cross your fingers I pass my test!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

things i was wrong about & things i was right about...

things i was right about:

  1. i love swimming.  (it just took me years to get my ass in the pool.)
  2. i can follow a healthy diet (but still drink coffee and wine.)
  3. spinning class will be too hard for me.  (but i'm going to keep going until it's not too hard.)
things i was wrong about:
  1. the super fit ladies in the locker room are bitches.  i was so wrong about this one.  they are incredibly kind and supportive.
  2. i hate exercise and i don't like to sweat.  finally realized that it feels good to sweat!  (as long as i can take a nice shower afterwards.)
  3. vegetables are gross.  i've tried all kinds of different veggies, raw and cooked, and found that i love red peppers, spinach, kale, and yams.  all things i thought i hated.
i'm trying to just keep plugging on ahead, trying new things, and hoping to get used to spinning class.  it really does hurt your dupa!

Monday, April 2, 2012

That one guy who doesn't post alot

Hi.  My name is Copac.  You may know me from such things as DotDitWell videos with strange dolls with british accents, or from arguments with Jen about whether or not a hamburger is a sandwich (which it is, don't make me fight you again, Jennifer).

So, yeah, I'm one of the "authors" of this blog, but honestly I haven't really done anything related to the blog in quite some time.  I haven't even done anything with my own personal tumblr either.  

First off, I want to make it clear when I say that I take pride in being associated with you all as you work on your personal health goals.  Now that that's clear, I can say that I hate you all.

No, not really.  It's more that I'm jealous of you.  Or intimidated.  Or frustrated. 

I've probably posted this before but at one time, I was a multi-year member of Weight Watchers and had lost somewhere around 70 pounds.  I was close to breaking the 300 lb mark.  Then the wheels came off the wagon, or the engine lost it's steam, or the tank ran out of gas.  Feel free to pick the failure metaphor that you think fits best :)  I had been a member of a health and wellness committee at work, and had even given a presentation to my coworkers about my experience.  But something snapped.  And it all just went away. 

I think a big part of it was that while I was following the program, I wasn't doing it in a sustainable way.  I had a staple of about 3-4 dinners, and ate the same breakfast and lunch every day.  My workout routine was very regimented too.  Now for those of you who don't really know me that well, now's probably a good time to lay out some personality quirks that help define me:

  1. I'm what I like to call a "lazy perfectionist", and by that I mean, while I still want everything to be perfect, I seem to lack the physical energy to keep up with the demands my head makes, mostly due to depression.  My apartment is generally a horrible mess, but that doesn't stop the brain from reminding me about how it's a mess. 
  2. I've been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.  Now just so we're clear, that's not the repetitive hand washing, or light switch flicking disorder.  This one kinda goes along with the "lazy perfectionist" in that in my mind, the world is supposed to play out in a certain way.  And wouldn't you know it, the way it's currently playing out is not how it "should" play out!
  3. I have a really strong aversion to change and the unknown.  Sometimes I'd call it a fear, other times not so strong.  I'm a creature/slave/"a guy habit calls when it wants to hook up but never tells habit 'Hey, I have feelings too, you know!'" of habit. 
  4. I'm a control freak.  If I'm a part of something that I can't guide and direct when things start to go wonky, I'm not usually a fun person to be around.  
  5. I am a certifiably picky eater.  Oh, and vegetables are the devil.  Except corn.  But those bastards took that one away from me and said "No, that's a starch, not a vegetable". 
So, with that out of the way, back to the whole wagon/engine/tank scenario.  My narrow little rut of a life at the time, while successful in terms of weight loss, was horribly inadequate when it came to fulfillment.  But thanks to the traits listed above, going off script (God, seriously, so many metaphors!) just wasn't an option.  Eating out was an exercise in futility.  "I don't know how big the serving is." "I don't know what the calories, fat, or fiber are." "All the things that I know the serving size and nutritional info are completely unappetizing to me!" 

To borrow a meme from younger set, I eventually just went all FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU *rage face*

So, flash forward a handful of years to today.  Rather than being at the point of nearly breaking 300 lbs, I'm struggling to stay below 400.  My depression, while relatively managed right now, has been trending at its worst.  Ok, I had a point to all of this.  OH RIGHT!!

So, Jennifer starts her transformation from caterpillar to beautiful butterfly....wait, scratch that, that'd put her way too close to bees.  Anyways, I see how Jennifer has been able to transform her life, and how it appears to be mostly fueled by sheer willpower and classic Jennifer bossiness.  And I hate to type this out, but it makes me mad.  I love Jennifer like a sister, and would never wish anything for her but the absolute best the world has to offer, and even then it wouldn't be good enough.  But seeing her do this so easily (completely irrational view from the outside looking in, obviously) or more appropriately seeing her continue to do it even when it's tough, should feel inspiring to me.  But it doesn't.  And that's on me.  Same thing goes for Carol's progress, and David's as well.  

One of the big problems that my depression causes me is the idea that I'm not worth the effort, or that it's too late, and I can't overcome what I've done to get to this point.  And I  can sit here and type that I know that's wrong and it's the depression talking, but that son of a bitch has a silky smooth voice sometimes.  I feel like I'm standing at the foot of Mount Everest, that I need to be on the peak, and that I literally have no idea how to get there.  Obviously, I've got vast amounts of information at my fingertips, but going back to those personality traits I listed above, pretty much all of it triggers at least 3 or sometimes all 5 of the touchy points.  Yet I know that there's no magical Sherpa who will carry me to the peak of that mountain.  I've started to summarize my current state in the following sentence.  "In order to get to the point where I feel the way I want to feel, I have to do the things right now that I don't feel I could do unless I was already at the point where I feel the way I want to feel"  And that's a scary big leap of faith for this agnostic computer nerd who thinks that chances shouldn't be taken unless you can hit undo (CTRL-Z FO LIFE YO!)

So, where do I go from here?  Well, probably to the kitchen to get some water, maybe to the bedroom to put my jammies on....wait, hang on.  Metaphorically speaking, Copac.  Well, I have to do something.  I have to try things.  And I have to fail at them.  And I have to not go all rage face when I do it.  Do I honestly think I can do it?  Honestly?  (Yes, Copac, that's why you said honestly...dipshit)  As my inner voice there alludes to, no.  Right now, I don't truly deep down believe that I can do it.  But I've been wrong in the past, and I'll be wrong again in the future, so I'm gonna try to find a way to make a legitimate attempt at it.  I'm just on a reallllllly long road.  In some cases, it may be longer than others' roads.  I have a lot of work to do emotionally, mentally, and physically.  And there's no road map that'll tell me what steps I should take that will get me where I want to go in the fastest and easiest way possible.  I'm trying to exercise more now.  That's about as far as I've gotten.  

Holy shit, this post is long.  I don't even know if it makes any sense.  I think I'll stop here.  G'night! :) 

Finished with first 28 days

I finished the 28 day "intro" thing for Engine 2 (I honestly don't remember all the words they use! I'm sure they have more glamorous terms than "intro" and "thing"!) as of Sunday. I honestly never thought I could give up cheeseburgers. And cheese! But, after this 28 days, I gotta say, I feel really, really good. I feel like this is how I should have been eating all along.

My initial plan was to do this 28 days, then figure out what I wanted to bring back into my diet. But I feel so good, I'm not bringing anything back. Well, I take that back. I have loosened up the "absolutely no oil" rule. I'll still leave oil out as much as I can, but there are some things that are just plain better with a teeny bit of oil. I learned how to make some kick ass salad dressings and sauces without oil, but I am totally ok with adding a smidge of oil to the pan if it means my tempeh bacon gets crispy crunchy edges.

I mean geeez. I swapped out tempeh for pig, a LITTLE oil? I'm ok with that :)

I did lose 7.5 pounds in March, too. Later this week, I will get my blood tested again, see what's up with the cholesterol. Gotta see how things are going with my Project 150!

Saturday, March 31, 2012

20 Pounds Lighter

After my workout this morning I was getting out of the shower and before I could stop myself I was on my scales for the first time in a week. I was shocked to see that I've reached the 20 lb. mark. I've lost 20 pounds! The last three weeks or so I've only been losing one pound per week. At first I was losing two or three pounds per week. I've been doing the same workout routine for a while now, maybe I need to mix it up. I increased the resistance on the elliptical today. Hopefully I can keep increasing the resistance, making my workouts a little harder. Also, the 3 minute cool down puts me at 23 minutes of exercise, almost 25 minutes, so I might as well make it 25, right? Slowly I'll get up to 30 minute workouts. Slow and steady wins the race. Now I'm going to have steamed pork buns for dinner, while watching My Extreme Affliction on NBC. Television has become a reflection of our strange world.

Thursday, March 29, 2012


as i was swimming today, i stared to think about my weight, and the actual numbers on the scale. my poor body has really gone through some major weight gains and losses over the last decade.

here's a brief rundown:

2001- 307 pounds. right before weight loss surgery.

2002- 150 pounds. a year after surgery.

2003- 135 pounds. after abdomenaplasty surgery to remove 15 pounds of hanging skin.

2004- 185 pounds. after a year of major depression and heavy drinking.

2006- 220 pounds. after 2 years of cutting back on drinking, but eating crap and struggling with depression.

2011- 250 pounds. after starting on meds for fibromyalgia that cause major weight gain.

today: 225 pounds. after swimming for 3 months and eating healthy.

i want to be back under 200 pounds by the end of the year. it feels totally doable.

here's the news story i did in 2007 talking about my surgery and the struggles afterwards. i can't stand to watch it, but i'm glad i did it. they didn't get all the info right, but it was close enough. i feel like it tells at least part of my story. watch for dan in the nook. he's on camera for all of 2 seconds. LOL

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Dinner tonight

Enchiladas stuffed with potatoes, kale, spring onions, and pumpkin seeds. Bibb lettuce salad with tangerine dressing. Blueberry cobbler from scratch. Zero added oil, and no animals were harmed... or even insulted... in the making of this feast :)

Quiet around here! How are you doing?

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Project 150

I've been doing yoga, and walking, and now made some radical changes to my eating so far this year. Now it's time for me to set up some actual goals. I think I'm ready for a more specific plan rather than just "eat better" and "be healthier".

I'm calling this all "Project 150", because hey, a catchy name is much more fun to say then "Gotta quit being so fat, and by the way, be nicer to your ticker, too, asshole". :) Here it is:

Weight at 150, cholesterol at 150, by 1/5. It gives me a little over 9 months, so it's a little stretch, but a doable one.

I'm honestly not sure about how my cholesterol will change, now that I'm eating so much better. I'll get it tested again the first week in April and see how it changes. I picked 150 because supposedly, if you can get and keep your chol that low, your chances of getting heart disease are super, super low. My mom had terrible CHF that she didn't treat until it was FAR too late. I'm going to try to head that off before it even happens to me.

So there you have it! Project 150.

OH! Yesterday... SURROUNDED by corned beef and cheese EVERYWHERE, I didn't touch one single bite! Tom ordered fried mac and cheese balls where we were, and I thought I'd cave, but I did not! And HELL YEAH, I LOVE mac and cheese.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

small changes & my big challeges

small changes: i bought some red leaf swiss chard at the grocery. it looked neat. i cooked it up in some olive oil and garlic. YUM!

eating more citrus too. less cheese. no fast food.

my big challenge is to get out of the pool and try some different classes at the gym. pilates, yoga, spinning, something. time to leave the comfort zone of the pool to see what else is out there.

and my biggest challenge: give up drinking. this is such a struggle. and i hate that it's so difficult for me to get a handle on. but it's time to tackle this problem head on. no more shame.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Engine 2 - How it's going

I finished week one of Engine 2 diet successfully. As a reward, I bought myself some Philosophy conditioner that I've wanted for awhile now :) I don't know what my reward for week 2 will be yet, maybe the matching shampoo. I'm setting up small rewards for myself that aren't expensive, but things I'd like around me, and things that aren't food and aren't clothes. Yeah, I can be bribed!

Last week was no more dairy. Not going to lie, it wasn't easy. I was shocked at how much I relied on dairy, how many of my "go to" foods were dairy. I'd snack on cottage cheese, a hard boiled egg, cheese sandwiches, milk... I ate a lot of dairy. I was surprised that part of what was hard was having replacements for dairy handy, stuff that was just as easy to grab as dairy, not so much actually missing milk, cheese, etc.

After the first week, I feel really good. I don't know the exact word to use, I just feel less "thick". I also weighed 1.5 pounds less this morning than I did last Monday. I'm down with that. I think later this week, I'll get my cholesterol checked. I'm kind of curious.

Today starts a tough week - no more meat. No chicken, fish, cow, bison.... nothing. I started to cut back last week, but now's the time for none of it. I did some research into restaurants that should be easier than others to eat at, and I stocked up on non-meat food this weekend, so I'm set up as best as I can I think. I'm actually excited. I like trying new foods, and cooking, so I think it will be fun figuring out what to make that will satisfy my hunger as well as helping me not feel deprived.

Aside from that, I'm still walking at least 4 days a week. Yoga's sort of fell by the way side, I'll get that back in this week. I'll have time. I won't have to go out and hunt my dinner :)

Thanks for the place to write all this stuff out, too!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

update on my progress

i got weighed at the rheumatologist yesterday. i'm officially down 15 pounds since december. i've gone down a size in pants. clothes fit better. i feel healthier and stronger.

what i've done right:
  • i gave up fast food, probably my worst addiction
  • i cut out most carbs and eat mostly lean protein & veggies
  • (no bread, pasta or potatoes)
  • i eat slower, put down my fork between bites
  • i follow the weight-loss surgery rules
  • i went from no exercise to swimming 6 days a week
  • i gave up mentos

what can be improved:
  • i am obsessed with sugar free hall's cough drops. i need to give them up.
  • i still drink wine. my last real addiction to get under control.
  • i love cheese, but i'm trying to cut back. now it's just 1/2 a piece of cheese on my egg whites.
  • i am kicking ass with my swimming, but it's time to leave my comfort zone of the pool and start including weights and some kind of aerobics class.
  • grazing. when i'm at work, i snack too much. i need to try to stick to 3 meals and less snacking. i want to try and learn what's real hunger vs. boredom or anxiety
i'm changing my basic thinking about diet and exercise. it's now something i just do every day, like brushing my teeth. i will always eat this way and i will always exercise.

i feel like "phase one" of my life changes has been a success, but now it's time for phase 2! lot's of room to improve. it's going to be good.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Engine 2

As Jen has heard about to the point where I am grateful she doesn't shove her fist in my mouth to shut me up, I started the Engine 2 Diet on Monday.

I had originally planned on doing ALL the diet modifications at once. Oh so full of gusto and motivation! Then I watched the week by week videos on the Engine 2 website. The fella who spearheaded putting this diet together laid out a plan where you can phase in changes one week at a time. When I thought about actually DOING it, I thought that sounded wiser.

This week, I have eliminated all dairy. It has been shocking to me how many of my "go to" foods are dairy. Eggs, cheese, cottage cheese, milk. I love them all. However, soy milk is good, and the rest of the stuff, I'll see how I feel after the initial 28 days and go from there. It's only been a couple of days, but already I feel less "weighed down". I don't know if that's because of no dairy or much less meat each day, but I'm down with it. It feels good.

And Tom, who hasn't liked sweet potatoes, tried them again last night! This is huge. I love sweet potatoes, but I never cook with them because he didn't like them. He was good with them! He said he had bad memories of boiled to death sweet potatoes, or worse, the HORRIFYING overcooked, suffocating under marshmallows and diabetic from all the brown sugar casseroles from family holidays gone by. I'll help him get over that, one sweet little spud at a time :)

Monday, March 5, 2012

1 perfect day

every morning when i swim, i think to myself "why not try to have a perfect day?"  again, just trying is good.  here's how my perfect healthy day would be:

5:00am: fresh lemon & ginger tonic

5:30am:  swim for 45 minutes, sauna, shower

7:00am:  breakfast (egg beaters & turkey or veggie sausage)

7:30am: COFFEE!!!!

8:00am:  work (doing my very best)

10:00am: snack (1 bag of soy chips)

12:00pm: lunch (turkey lettuce wraps, sugar free jello)

4:00pm: home (play with dogs, clean)

6:00pm dinner (something healthy)

8:00pm snack: (red pepper, almonds, jello)

9:00pm: bed time!

a "perfect day" would mean no wine.  it would include doing something creative.  i'd enjoy my time with my husband & the mutts.

i've never achieved this "perfect day", but i'm going to keep trying.

Friday, March 2, 2012


i have this thought in my head, that if i just keep trying to do better, improve things, it will all be good.  i'm trying to eat better every day.  less cheese is this week's goal.  i'm swimming an extra lap when there's time.  i'm trying to be nicer to people.  to do better at work.

i don't know if i'm saying this right, but the gist of it is: just try! and when you fail (and you'll fail, like i fail) just keep trying!

the smallest changes that move you forward in life, are the ones that last.  baby steps.  broken eggs.  anything is possible.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Engine 2 Diet and Blood Work

I'm a total wuss when it comes to doctors. I go more than some people, but less than I should. There. I said it. I also know I am getting by on borrowed time. All my numbers are fine, but that's genetics tiding me over. I know there's no way I'm going to stay healthy if I don't lose weight.

This year, I've made some very good changes: I do yoga at least 4 times a week, recently started walking along to walking work out videos, drinking more water, and at least trying to not talk to myself like I'm a complete loser.

And then there's the ambiguous "eating better". I don't really know if I am eating better or not, since food journaling fell by the wayside. It wasn't hard. I just stopped. Now, I need to really, really dig into eating.

OH. MY. GOD. Will I STOP with all the WORDS already???


1. Tomorrow I get bloodwork done so I have baseline numbers.
2. In between now and Monday I clean out my pantry, fridge, desk....
3. Monday, I start the Engine 2 diet.

That is all! Over and out!!!

I've been tinkering with a really loose "Flexitarian" diet. That really means, I MEAN to be a vegetarian, but I'm going to go ahead and eat meat, too. But Tom's Muay Thai coach brought up this diet he's doing. This dude's a fireman, AND a Muay Thai coach. If HE can live without meat, so can I, at least for 28 days.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Nutritional Yeast

Ok, go on, grimace! The name made me avoid it for months. Finally though, I figured it was time to try it.

Nutritional yeast is something that vegans and vegetarians use to add a cheese-like, or umami, flavor to foods. Umami, from what I understand is a new "taste sense" that was defined last year. I don't have a good description, but it's more of a mouthfeel than a flavor - savory, and soft.

Don't mix up nutritional yeast with Brewers Yeast or baking yeast either. NOT the same! Nutritional yeast is sold in either a powder or flakes (I have the flakes). They contain a lot of B12, fiber, and it's a complete protein. Anyway, you can Google the stuff and read more about it. I'm just saying, it's delicious. You can stir it into soups, Tom's been putting it on toast with either butter or peanut butter, pretty much anything savory like that. I made a broccoli casserole that was AWESOME, and this morning, I made these cheesey potatoes.

Vegan Cheesey Potatoes!

Now, I'm not a vegetarian, or a vegan. When I ate the potatoes, I added some hamburger. That negated the vegan aspect of the meal. (joke) But, I LOVE cheese, and if I can trade it in sometimes for something with tons of nutrients and way less fat, even sometimes, I want to do that. The sauce for those potatoes is seriously really good. I'm going to make some mac and "cheese" sometime soon, I'll let you know how it is.

I am babbling.


Monday, February 20, 2012

Just say No to these five packaged foods!

In my quest to eat better and to control what I eat by cooking my own food more often, I was poking around the internets for advice. I found this article that has good ideas about foods that are easy to make, plus taste better, and are healthier than their store bought counterparts. And cheaper, which is good, too!

My favorites from this list are soups, stock, and beans. They're all super easy to make at home, and you save about a gajillion grams of sodium.

Here is the article! If you want ideas about making stock, too, let me know! I love making stock!

Link here!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

why not?

i read an article about running, and all the excuses people make to not run.  it really had an impact on me, and it was part of what fueled me to join a gym.  anytime i start to come up with reasons not to swim, i think of this article, and i go swim.

i had a dream a few months ago, that i was a runner.  it felt amazing.  i woke up thinking, "some day i'm going to run.  with the metal plates in my ankle and weighing over 200 pounds, i believe someday i'll run."

my dad was a runner.  he had a triple bypass in his late 30's, and when he recovered, he became a health nut and marathon runner.  he went from being an overweight junk food eater, to a runner.  he was even featured in the newspaper, showing his giant heart bypass scar on his chest.  (i wish i had a copy of that!)

i'm rambling.   but what i'm trying to say is, why not?  why not swim every morning?  why not eat healthy and lose weight?  and why not dream to run?  

here's the full article.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Downsizing Portions

I love this study. Four different groups of people were asked if they wanted to downsize their meal at a Chinese restaurant. It seemed like it disrupted peoples' patterns and made them think, OH! you know, I don't really need all that food!

Monday, February 6, 2012

time for a new swimsuit!

well, i've been swimming for over 6 weeks now.  i am going 5 days a week.  yesterday i noticed that my old swimsuit is falling apart.  from too much swimming!  it just make me laugh, to think that i needed a new one due to overuse.  especially when this suit was too tight on me this past august.

when i get on the scale, i'm not seeing a big drop in pounds.  of course i tend to weight myself in a wet swimsuit.  i also get confused about my weight because it's different on the home scale then the gym.  my clothes are fitting better, so that's enough for me.

overall, i am doing great with exercise, and i follow my dietary goals 80% of the time.  i totally suck at my drinking goal of cutting back on wine.  my 3 glasses of wine in the evenings are hard to give up.  i know it's slowing down my weight loss some.  just something i have to keep working on.

it's been great talking to everyone about their progress, what's easy, what's difficult.  i'm lucky enough to be in close contact with everyone on the blog team, and it's amazing to hear the success stories as well as the struggles.

we're all just human, and we're trying our best, and that's the most we can do.  go team!

Friday, February 3, 2012

McDonald’s confirms that it’s no longer using ‘pink slime’ chemical in hamburgers

This article is reason enough for me to give up the fast food.

fast food is one of my addictions.  i've loved mcdonald's since i was a kid.  i stopped eating fast food in december.  yesterday i got a burger & fries.  and wow, it's not as good as i remembered it.

fast food is something i'm ready to 100% give up.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

The Mind

Hello my fellow Weigh Loss Weirdos! This is my first post...

So, a little history... I have a long history of bad mental health, but I've only really been overweight for a few years now. However, in more ways than one, my mind and my weight seem to go hand-in-hand. After I gained this extra weight I started to get very depressed. The more depressed I became, the more I ate, and the more weight I gained.

So, my nurse put me on Zoloft, for the depression. I felt a little better, I guess, but one of the side-effects of Zoloft is weight-gain. It's a double edged sword. The worse I felt, the more Zoloft I was given. The more Zoloft I took the more weight I gained and the worse I felt.

Finally, after a few years and about 50 pounds later (heavier), I begged my nurse for something else. So, in December of 2011, we decided to switch from Zoloft to Wellbutrin. When I read the possible side effects of Wellbutrin, I was pleased to see weight loss was on the list. Hallelujah!

It's been years since I made a New Year's resolution, but I decided 2012 is the year for me to get better, mentally and physically. With the switch in meds, I'm feeling better, but I realize I need to do everything in my power to lose weight. I tried Weight Watchers a few years ago and after a year I stopped losing weight, I wasn't at a point I was happy with, and then they started the new Points Plus and I hated it, so I quit. I acquired a sort of "whatever" attitude.

So, as of right in late December, I started getting on the treadmill and walking. I started right off doing 30 minutes at a time. The first few weeks I only did it a few days each week. Now I'm doing five days a week! I'm also finding that walking and sweating and getting my blood pumping is really helping my mental health. I just feel clearer-headed and happier. It all goes hand-in-hand.

I've been having a little battle with the scales. Before I started the treadmill, I weighed myself and I was at the heaviest I've ever been in my life. How depressing! Just a month after starting on the treadmill I weighed myself again and I was down almost 10 pounds. Then, a few days later, I weighed myself again and my weight was back up, then I weighed myself again and it was down, then back up, then back down. What the hell?!

So I waited a few weeks and just last night decided to weigh myself again. I reluctantly got on the scales and waited as the zeros flashed, waiting to reveal my weight. Surprise! I'm now at my lowest weight in about two years! I've decided I'll just keep that low number in my head. I'm going to stay off the scales and stay on the treadmill.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Change and Honesty

“The best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing; the worst thing you can do is nothing.” -Theodore Roosevelt

It's very windy outside as I type this.  Beyond the washer and dryer running in the utility room, all I can hear is the wind buffeting my window.  Kind of fitting that it's coinciding with where my head's at right now.  Maybe it's a wind of change.

I need to change.  I do not like my life right now.  I do not like where I am, I do not like who I am, I do not like what I'm doing, I do not like why I'm doing it, and I do not like who I'm doing it for.  This doesn't mean that those things are necessarily wrong.  It means I need to take a good hard look at them and decide how I truly feel, and try to clear any fogginess or misinterpretations being caused by my depression, my obesity, my work frustrations, etc.

I need to start making more efforts to change.  I can do so much more than I currently am.  Things will not get better until I start putting forth stronger and more consistent effort.
I talk a really good game.  I can spout off personal development bullshit and can send you any number of links to sites that talk about becoming better.  I can sit with you and give you advice and support.  I can spin you a story and make you think that I've got it all figured out, and that I've got a good head on my shoulders.  But when it comes to walking that talk with my own life, I fall very, very short.

This isn't me beating up on myself, this is me trying to be honest with myself.  I don't do what I can.  I do what I've done because it's comfortable.  It doesn't help me or make me better, it sustains me.  It gets me through one day so that I'm still there to go through the next.  I'm not empowered, or motivated, or dedicated,  I'm existing.

I keep waiting for the day when it all makes sense, when it all clicks, when the light bulb goes off.  Waiting for the day when I wake up and say "You know what? I feel a lot better today, I can take on anything that comes my way".  Waiting for the day when life becomes "easy" once again and I can "catch my breath".  Waiting for someone to notice my struggles and suffering and say "Here, let me help you.  Here's a plan and if you follow it step by step, you'll achieve the peace and happiness you've been waiting for"

I can tell you right now that I will forget this at some point down the road.  Maybe next month, next week, hell, maybe even tomorrow.  That's my modus operandi.  I make broad, grand statements, with big claims and with words of conviction.  And then the fuel that created the big flame goes out, and I go back to normal.  I go back to the comfortable things.  I know for a fact that it'll happen again with this.  I don't have any answers as to how I'm going to keep this focus.  I'll see what I can do, and try to do what I can to remember this for as long as I put forth the effort to.

As a first step, I sat down and typed out this stream of consciousness into Evernote.  Hopefully I'll go back to it and refresh it, add to it, and maybe if i'm lucky, mark some things off of it.

Daily focus statements.
  • Find the positive and acknowledge it/document it
  • Give up the fallacy of perfection.  Instead focus on progress/results of any kind/attempts
  • Focus on controlling you.  The world will do what the world will do.  Find the response to it that you want to have.  If you don't like that response, change it.  
  • Do not attempt to control something that you cannot.  Accept it for what it is, affect it if you reasonably can, otherwise let go.
  • Validate internally.  Reduce reliance on external validation
  • You can't do it all, and you can't do it all right now. Make efforts to change.  
Research beginning exercise
Develop a plan
Meet with a personal trainer

Keep track of what you eat.
Start with listing what you eat
Move on to tracking how much, estimated
Research tracking tools (MyFitnessPal, WW, etc)
Join WW again
Focus on better, different, do NOT expect perfection
Research Foods
Find new foods/meals to eat and give them a fair chance

Track more ToDo tasks in Astrid (or another tool if Astrid doesn't seem to be working)
Track both personal and work-related tasks

Cleaning/Personal Space
Find a central spot for mail, go through it every night, and handle the things that need handling
Organize your desk at work.
More often than not, try to vacuum, straighten up, do dishes, clean kitchen, etc.

Personal Development
Decide where you want to live.  Research houses/condos.
Give up expectation of finding the perfect woman.
Date more. Be open to getting hurt again.
Try more new things.  Go outside of the comfort zone.
Get a pet.

Fruit Juicing

Yes. I know. I post too many pictures of Jack on Facebook, and I am starting to get out of hand here with pictures of juice. Like Jack, I'll tucker out at some point :)

This morning I tried some fruit juicing. I used tart apples, and green seedless grapes. When it was all juiced, I added a squeeze of fresh lime and a bit of grated ginger. It was fantastic. VERY sweet though, so I mixed it up with some club soda.

I disobeyed Jen and weight myself (I will pay for the disobedience tomorrow... sigh....) and am down 3 pounds. I would like to be down 2 more by Saturday, so I'm going to be more diligent this week. If the numbers don't match what I want, I will be at least happy to have a good week.

Tom did some yoga with me on Saturday! We both really need to work on our flexibility, so I pulled up a fairly simple practice that involved using straps as support. A lot of times I like to be alone for yoga, or at least not talk, but this time, it was kind of nice to have such a 'kindred spirit' with me.

Friday, January 27, 2012

my new rule, advice to everyone

do not weigh yourself.  just skip it.  instead of the scale, just notice how your clothes might be fitting a little looser, or how you have more energy.  don't let the scale with it's stupid numbers get you down!

if anything, only weight yourself once a month, on the same scale, at the same time and date each month.

p.s.  i love this pic!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

baby steps...

i know i've blogged about the big changes, the "sea changes", but i think the small changes mean more.

my small changes:

  • putting my fork down between bites.  this allows me to slow down while eating, and to give my stomach enough time to tell my brain that it's full.
  • smaller plates:  it seems silly, but i find that i eat smaller portions if i use a smaller plate.  it's one of those old "diet tricks" that actually works for me.
  • drinking more water.  i spend the money on bottles of "smart water" because it just tastes better to me.  i always feel better when i've drank lots of water during the day
  • drinking less wine.  i like wine.  i like drinking wine after a stressful work day.  i have a hard time going "cold turkey".  so i'm trying to just drink less.  last night i had wine, the night before i didn't.  progress!
  • try new healthy things: i tried soy milk in my coffee today.  it's awesome!  switching from dairy to soy is good for my body.  tonight i'm making tuna steaks.  they might be gross, but i'm going to try a recipe that included sesame seeds & oil.  yum...
  • cut back on unhealthy things:  i love cheese.  and salt.  i don't have high blood pressure, so i've always used salt.  i'm trying to use it less.  cutting back slowly.  same thing with cheese.  i LOVE cheese, but i'm trying to cut back, slowly.  i eat tofu sausage and egg whites most mornings, but on the weekends i have bacon once.
  • throw out the things that are stupid:  sugar free cough drops, mentos, these are things i don't need.  they have gone to the trash.
i love hearing about the stuff everyone is doing.  the 21 day challenge, the juicer, boot camp.  david has been walking on the treadmill in his apartment's gym.  it's great to celebrate our progress!

it's also a real learning experience, trying to do "better", to be healthier, and not always sticking to goals.  i'm trying to own my mistakes, bad judgement, and move forward.  in the past i'd eat some junk food or skip a workout, and then just give up.  now i keep on trying!

p.s. the image of the bronzed baby shoes, brings back memories.  as a child, i was fascinated with mine.  i wanted to find a way to wear those bronze shoes!  LOL


i leave the house on cold, snowy mornings, to get my fix.  i wait outside the ugly concreate building at 5:55am, waiting for them to open the doors.  sometimes i go on my lunch hour when i'm working from home.  i go when i'm sick, when i'm tired, when my car is buried under a foot of snow.

i love to swim.  doggy paddle is my signature stroke.  sometimes i float on my back (see the drawing above).  i love the feeling of floating while the water swirls around me.

there are different kinds of "pool people".  there are the times when it's "open family swim" with families and kids.  i avoid those times as a rule.  there are early morning "adult lap" swimmers, athletes, mostly men in speedos and latex swimming fast & hard, splashing everyone, hogging swim lanes.  i go when necessary.  

my favorite time to swim is during "senior water aerobics" lunch hours.  the pool is suddenly filled with chatty old ladies.  some walk with canes or even walkers.  they walk down a special ramp to get into the pool.  once they hit the water, they are transformed.  they start laughing, giving friends a hello hug, trading recipes, or gossiping about the older gent who swims slow laps around them.  they are like a beautiful gaggle of geese!

i think the water feels so good because it's forgiving.  those ladies leave their canes by the side of the pool, and suddenly they can walk without pain.  we all float.  we move.  and it feels lovely.

my favorite part of the pool is the point where the floor of the pool starts to drop off.  going from 3 feet, 4 feet, 6 feet.  i love walking down that steep ledge and feeling the moment where my feet leave the floor and i start to float...

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Juicing Fun

About one week into having my juicer, I am having fun experimenting with different fruits and vegetables to figure out what tastes good and what does not. Even if it doesn't taste great sometimes, I at least feel like I'm doing something good by making it and drinking it.

Does not - I make a juice with other stuff, plus carrot and sweet potato. NO.

Does - Cucumber. Tomato. Kale. Also, I got a jar of already minced organic ginger. A teeny bit in juice is LOVELY.

So, all month I've been doing yoga almost every day, drinking more water, and now, juicing for about a week. This morning as I was doing yoga, I noticed, "huh. I'm not tired." Normally, Tuesdays are a struggle because I have band practice the night before and can't unwind and immediately go to sleep after it. Today though, I feel good. I hope it is a trend :)

For your viewing pleasure, Here are a couple of pictures. One is the "before" of juice I made last night. One is the "after"...

The ingredients: kale, tomato, beet, ginger, carrot (top included!)

The results. It was delicious!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Learning to love the mockery

For lunch today, I had rye toast with avocado. I have a bunch of avocados, and they are delicious, so it seemed fine to me. I also have a lot of left over cut up limes and lemons, so I brought some to work to put in my water.

While I was in a meeting, two people made comments about my lunch, one comment was that semi-scornful "oh, being all HEALTHY..." Before now, I would have been embarrassed to have attention like that, but today... I considered the source, and just said "yep" and moved on. And yeah, I did feel a little smug. On the inside :)

weird addictions, old insecurities, fresh goals...

weird addictions:  well, i have successfully given up the 2 rolls of mentos i was consuming on a daily basis.  i've been "mentos free" since late december!  in an odd twist, i now find myself chomping on sugar free hall's cough drops!  i eat a handful at a time.  there's something about the menthol and the crunching of the hard drops... weird.  and i found out that while they are sugar free, eating too many results in a horrible stomach ache.  so today i will throw out the last of them.  i think it's safe to say i have an oral fixation problem!

"Theoretically, oral-stage fixations are manifested as garrulousness, smoking, continual oral stimulus (eating, chewing objects), and alcoholism. Psychologically, the symptoms include a sarcastic personality, nail biting, etc..."

yeah, that sounds about right...  and of course giving up the wine has been a real struggle.

i do really well with getting to the gym to swim.  i'm great with the low carb diet (no bread, rice, potatoes, sugar, etc...)  but i struggle with giving up wine.  my anxiety kicks in every evening around 4pm and it feels terrible.  i need to remember that the anxiety will pass.

old insecurities:  i swam sunday morning and for the first time, i felt insecure.  they pool was crowded with a bunch of guys doing fast laps.  "power swimmers" who go for an hour straight and don't always stay in their lanes. and there i was, the chubby girl with the weird tattoos, doing my slow doggy paddle, taking up a valuable lane.  i wanted to get out of the pool right away.  but i stayed calm and reminded myself that i deserve to use the pool as much as anyone else.  and that those power swimmer dudes probably weren't paying any attention to me.  so i swam for my usual 30 minutes and actually did more laps then usual.  it's just amazing how quickly the "insecure fat girl" thinking can sneak up on me.

my goals for this week:
1. continue swimming, but try a yoga class (wednesday on my lunch hour), and a spinning class (thursday evening or friday morning.)

2.  no more cough drops!

3.  instead of my usual 2-3 glasses of wine, have just one drink after dinner.  something with vodka (low carb).  i think cutting down instead of trying to give it up will help.  or not.  it's such an embarrassing habit!

4.  start walking around the track at the gym.  i have this weird goal of someday being able to run a mile.  me, running?  sure!