Learning to love the mockery

For lunch today, I had rye toast with avocado. I have a bunch of avocados, and they are delicious, so it seemed fine to me. I also have a lot of left over cut up limes and lemons, so I brought some to work to put in my water.

While I was in a meeting, two people made comments about my lunch, one comment was that semi-scornful "oh, being all HEALTHY..." Before now, I would have been embarrassed to have attention like that, but today... I considered the source, and just said "yep" and moved on. And yeah, I did feel a little smug. On the inside :)

weird addictions, old insecurities, fresh goals...

weird addictions:  well, i have successfully given up the 2 rolls of mentos i was consuming on a daily basis.  i've been "mentos free" since late december!  in an odd twist, i now find myself chomping on sugar free hall's cough drops!  i eat a handful at a time.  there's something about the menthol and the crunching of the hard drops... weird.  and i found out that while they are sugar free, eating too many results in a horrible stomach ache.  so today i will throw out the last of them.  i think it's safe to say i have an oral fixation problem!


"Theoretically, oral-stage fixations are manifested as garrulousness, smoking, continual oral stimulus (eating, chewing objects), and alcoholism. Psychologically, the symptoms include a sarcastic personality, nail biting, etc..."


yeah, that sounds about right...  and of course giving up the wine has been a real struggle.


i do really well with getting to the gym to swim.  i'm great with the low carb diet (no bread, rice, potatoes, sugar, etc...)  but i struggle with giving up wine.  my anxiety kicks in every evening around 4pm and it feels terrible.  i need to remember that the anxiety will pass.


old insecurities:  i swam sunday morning and for the first time, i felt insecure.  they pool was crowded with a bunch of guys doing fast laps.  "power swimmers" who go for an hour straight and don't always stay in their lanes. and there i was, the chubby girl with the weird tattoos, doing my slow doggy paddle, taking up a valuable lane.  i wanted to get out of the pool right away.  but i stayed calm and reminded myself that i deserve to use the pool as much as anyone else.  and that those power swimmer dudes probably weren't paying any attention to me.  so i swam for my usual 30 minutes and actually did more laps then usual.  it's just amazing how quickly the "insecure fat girl" thinking can sneak up on me.


my goals for this week:
1. continue swimming, but try a yoga class (wednesday on my lunch hour), and a spinning class (thursday evening or friday morning.)


2.  no more cough drops!


3.  instead of my usual 2-3 glasses of wine, have just one drink after dinner.  something with vodka (low carb).  i think cutting down instead of trying to give it up will help.  or not.  it's such an embarrassing habit!


4.  start walking around the track at the gym.  i have this weird goal of someday being able to run a mile.  me, running?  sure!

Juicer

I bought a juicer. I bought it knowing the odds of me being one of those people who bought a juicer, used it a few times, and then put it on a shelf are high. It would end up right next to my yogurt maker.

I'm keeping it out in the open though, on the counter, so I'll see it all the time.

I've been reading up about juicing - what is good to use, what is bad, and also juice vs. eating the actual food in it's whole state. It's a negative for sure that I miss out on a lot (all?) of the fiber in foods when I juice them. I did read some recipes on how to use the stuff that's left over after juicing, but I have to be honest, if I don't have a use for that stuff IMMEDIATELY, I'm not going to save it and go back and use it later. I also read that vitamins and minerals aren't always absorbed because they get caught up in fiber and just sort of pass along. I'm skeptical of that, but I'm going to keep digging.

checking in...

i just wondered how everyone was doing with their exercise goals.

here are my random updates, thoughts, etc...

exercise:

• i still love swimming.  i try to go every day, because i just feel amazing afterwards.  plus i "reward" myself with some time in the hot tub or the sauna, and that seems to really help with my arthritis.  i sleep better & my mood is always great after i swim.
• my 30 minutes of swimming and water exercises is good, but i need to "kick it up a notch" if i'm going to lose more weight.  so my goals for next week:
• take a "master swimming" class to learn how to swim better and burn more calories
• try a yoga class
• try an aerobics class
• my gym offers so many classes at all hours of the day and evening, and it's all free, so i need to be brave, go out of my comfort zone (the pool), and try new stuff.

diet:

• i'm sticking to the high protein, low carb diet.  i'm following the weight loss surgery rules about water (when to drink it, how much etc...)  i don't even miss bread, rice or pasta!
• i am struggling with drinking wine.  i need to limit that to 1-2 times a week.  i was doing good with this until monday.  i keep coming up with reason why i "need" a glass of wine.  like:
• i had a bad day at work!
• i have PMS!
• it's the weekend!
• the thing is, i know better.  i never use those excuses to skip working out, so why use them to drink wine?  i need to work on this.  i don't need to beat myself up.  just try, try, try to get better.

i think trying, making improvements, and moving past the "mistakes" or failures is the key.  keep moving forward!

an interesting article on the modeling industry...

here's a link to an amazing article and pictorial about regular vs. plus sized models. i know there are some dudes on this team blog, but the article speaks to what our country considers fat or thin, and how people view their bodies.

in the end, i don't think any of us want to be skinny. we all just want to be able to walk without getting out of breathe. we want to be able to run up a flight of stairs, or carry our groceries in without being winded. we want to be strong physically and mentally. and we want to be around a long time for our friends & families.

it's not just about being weight loss weirdos. it's being healthy, happy, and always imperfect but awesome weirdos!

Keyboards should not function at 4:06 AM

Hello, all! Posting at 4:07 AM? Sure! What could go wrong?

I haven't posted here yet and didn't want to be a creepy lurker. I think I know each of you in real life. That is a nice change from another site I'm on, Sparkpeople. I joined it, and check in off an on. Sometimes there are interesting message board threads, but as far as my blog, I feel like it's just posted up there and a bunch of strangers are posting their blogs, and unless I "market" my blog, it's just going to sit there unread. Maybe I should post a recommendation to swallow cotton balls soaked in orange juice as a way to lose weight (I heard models do that) to see if anyone reads it. But I'd be horrified if someone gave that idea a thumbs up. Better not tempt fate.

I'm trying to do a lot of yoga. It at least makes me feel like I do have muscles in there somewhere. And the relaxation helps me not to freak out all the time. I'm nowhere near the person I want to be, physically and in some ways, mentally, emotionally, whatever you call the other part of yourself that's not physical. I'm working on all that right now. Truly grateful enough parts of my life are quiet enough right now that I can spend this time doing so.

i broke an egg...

well, i did ok on my liquid diet yesterday. i got through the work day. but i didn't pack any soup so all i had was 2 protein shakes. i left work feeling shaky and bad.

i ended up having some wine and a piece of pizza. i made a bad choice. i broke an egg.

instead of beating myself up, i just got up early and went swimming. i swam a few extra laps and it felt great. i spent some time in the sauna sort of meditating and thinking about my "broken egg".

i decided that doing a liquid only diet is too much for me. and not needed. i've lost over 10 pounds just swimming and following my weight loss surgery diet rules.

so, i'm feeling great, moving forward, and looking forward to keeping up with the good things i'm doing.

all this egg talk is making me hungry for scrambled eggs...

21Habit Update and "Sleep Hygiene"

Well, I’m through the first week of my 21habit commitment. I’ve successfully worked out for 30 minutes for 6 out of 7 days. I don’t mind donating a dollar to charity :-). I feel pretty good about continuing to hit the majority of the remainder of the 14 days in my commitment. 


My plan of keeping lifestyle changes to a minimum seems to be working up to this point. I had only planning on focusing on the 21habit commitment, but after talking to my psych about still having problems sleeping, I’m also working on practicing something called “sleep hygiene”. 


Sleep Hygiene is basically things like 

• going to bed and getting up at the same time every single day including weekends
• once in bed, no music, no books, no Internet, no tv, etc
• nothing to eat or drink after 9pm 

There’s some schools of thought that say if you wake up, get out of bed and do something until you feel tired again. But some more recent recommendations say to just stay in bed. 


For me, it’s going to be training my body how to sleep properly again. I’ve been taking sleeping meds for years, but honestly can’t remember the last time i got a truly restful sleep, and that’s going back for years. Once I was diagnosed with sleep apnea and got a machine to sleep with, that helped, but I still struggle with sleep. 


Anyways, hopefully practicing better “sleep hygiene” and my 30 minute daily workouts will continue and become new habits. 




Originally posted on my personal blog (Modern Life Support)

happy birthday to me...

well, today is my bday. i'm not a big fan of bdays. but this one is sort of "special". i'm starting a liquid fast. so no cake for me!!! and i'm happy about it. weird.

i had hoped to swim before work, but i had to come in early. so instead i parked way at the bottom of a steep hill and ran up it, and then did the 3 flights of stairs at work. these are not normal stairs. they are really steep and even the people who run marathons get winded on these stairs.

i had my one small cup of coffee with some steamed skim milk and chocolate protein powder. yum!!! i should have packed some of the soup i made yesterday, but forgot. ah well... i'll be fine.

fyi- the 5 day liquid diet i'm doing is specific to people who've had weight loss surgery. it's 2 days of liquids, then a day of soft protein, semi-soft protein and then firm. it will allow my smaller surgical stomach (called a pouch) to shrink back, and it will also get me on track to follow the rules for after surgery.

1. protein first. lean protein as much as possible. then veggies and fruits, in small amounts. no sugar, alcohol, and very little grains.

2. no water 30 minutes before or after a meal. this allows the food to stay in the stomach longer, so that i feel full longer.

3. exercise every day. this is something i didn't do after surgery. i'm only starting to follow this rule since end of december. it feels great.

i've stopped eating mentos and am allowing myself to have pasta & wine once a week. i think i can do this for the rest of my life. i will try my very best!!!

i got on the scale this morning and i've lost 10 pounds. happy birthday to me!!!

a final thought for today: this will get hard for me. i'll make mistakes. but if i can keep coming back to this as a way of life, and not a quick diet, it will work. blabbering about it on this blog really helps keep me motivated.

Good Quote

"Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going."
-anonymous