Sunday, January 29, 2012

Change and Honesty

“The best thing you can do is the right thing; the next best thing you can do is the wrong thing; the worst thing you can do is nothing.” -Theodore Roosevelt

It's very windy outside as I type this.  Beyond the washer and dryer running in the utility room, all I can hear is the wind buffeting my window.  Kind of fitting that it's coinciding with where my head's at right now.  Maybe it's a wind of change.

I need to change.  I do not like my life right now.  I do not like where I am, I do not like who I am, I do not like what I'm doing, I do not like why I'm doing it, and I do not like who I'm doing it for.  This doesn't mean that those things are necessarily wrong.  It means I need to take a good hard look at them and decide how I truly feel, and try to clear any fogginess or misinterpretations being caused by my depression, my obesity, my work frustrations, etc.

I need to start making more efforts to change.  I can do so much more than I currently am.  Things will not get better until I start putting forth stronger and more consistent effort.
I talk a really good game.  I can spout off personal development bullshit and can send you any number of links to sites that talk about becoming better.  I can sit with you and give you advice and support.  I can spin you a story and make you think that I've got it all figured out, and that I've got a good head on my shoulders.  But when it comes to walking that talk with my own life, I fall very, very short.

This isn't me beating up on myself, this is me trying to be honest with myself.  I don't do what I can.  I do what I've done because it's comfortable.  It doesn't help me or make me better, it sustains me.  It gets me through one day so that I'm still there to go through the next.  I'm not empowered, or motivated, or dedicated,  I'm existing.

I keep waiting for the day when it all makes sense, when it all clicks, when the light bulb goes off.  Waiting for the day when I wake up and say "You know what? I feel a lot better today, I can take on anything that comes my way".  Waiting for the day when life becomes "easy" once again and I can "catch my breath".  Waiting for someone to notice my struggles and suffering and say "Here, let me help you.  Here's a plan and if you follow it step by step, you'll achieve the peace and happiness you've been waiting for"

I can tell you right now that I will forget this at some point down the road.  Maybe next month, next week, hell, maybe even tomorrow.  That's my modus operandi.  I make broad, grand statements, with big claims and with words of conviction.  And then the fuel that created the big flame goes out, and I go back to normal.  I go back to the comfortable things.  I know for a fact that it'll happen again with this.  I don't have any answers as to how I'm going to keep this focus.  I'll see what I can do, and try to do what I can to remember this for as long as I put forth the effort to.

As a first step, I sat down and typed out this stream of consciousness into Evernote.  Hopefully I'll go back to it and refresh it, add to it, and maybe if i'm lucky, mark some things off of it.

Daily focus statements.
  • Find the positive and acknowledge it/document it
  • Give up the fallacy of perfection.  Instead focus on progress/results of any kind/attempts
  • Focus on controlling you.  The world will do what the world will do.  Find the response to it that you want to have.  If you don't like that response, change it.  
  • Do not attempt to control something that you cannot.  Accept it for what it is, affect it if you reasonably can, otherwise let go.
  • Validate internally.  Reduce reliance on external validation
  • You can't do it all, and you can't do it all right now. Make efforts to change.  
Research beginning exercise
Develop a plan
Meet with a personal trainer

Keep track of what you eat.
Start with listing what you eat
Move on to tracking how much, estimated
Research tracking tools (MyFitnessPal, WW, etc)
Join WW again
Focus on better, different, do NOT expect perfection
Research Foods
Find new foods/meals to eat and give them a fair chance

Track more ToDo tasks in Astrid (or another tool if Astrid doesn't seem to be working)
Track both personal and work-related tasks

Cleaning/Personal Space
Find a central spot for mail, go through it every night, and handle the things that need handling
Organize your desk at work.
More often than not, try to vacuum, straighten up, do dishes, clean kitchen, etc.

Personal Development
Decide where you want to live.  Research houses/condos.
Give up expectation of finding the perfect woman.
Date more. Be open to getting hurt again.
Try more new things.  Go outside of the comfort zone.
Get a pet.


glittergirl said...

all i can say is, ROCK ON!!! this is awesome. especially the last item. :)

Groundcat said...

That was a very brave post Chris. I look forward to your successes. Practice, practice, practice. You have time to try, and make mistakes, and try again and succeed until you die. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. It helps others.